My brain is in a kerfuffle. I'm certain of this: that I want a challenge and I'll be in Oklahoma for another two years. Things I thought aren't things I think anymore. Things I crossed off my "Want To Do" list are somehow appearing back on the list. Things that were good ideas are actually slowly becoming not so great ideas.
Without going into too much detail, I wanted to express my confusion with my current place in life. I've been talking with Bryan a lot lately about this, and we haven't yet decided what's going to be best. I need to dump my brain somewhere public, and I sure won't share with facebook. I've only got like ten readers, and I don't mind laying it out there for you loves.
My job fluctuates between being very fun and bringing me to tears. I work in a library, and I love being surrounded by books, seeing the new titles coming in, finding interesting titles as they come across my desk, talking to fellow readers and helping students with papers. I also really enjoy being a boss and mentor for my student staff...and telling the them what to do. But, the actual daily tasks are mind-numbing. The job requires a BA, but I do not feel challenged. I could finish all my work in a few hours, and I did earlier until I realized that if I did all my work, I would get assigned other coworkers' work. So, as I have with any culture, I assimilated to a very slow work process, and it's frustrating. If I do anything but, I look like an overachiever, a stand out from my department. The drama in the library is unbelievable at the moment. The director of the library is leaving due to the university administration pushing her out. The position is open, and the fight for her position is on. There are whispers in every corner of the library, and the political lunches have spiked. I'm out of my element. And I'm coming home in tears.
What's more is that my town is so small, about 12,00 people in the whole town. My job opportunities are with the university, WalMart or one of the Ma & Pop restaurants. And I went to college so I wouldn't have to work those hourly positions. I worked my ass off in college graduating a four year BA program in only three years all while holding down three jobs at a time all of different types of terrible jobs like Subway, Great Clips, Linens N Things, Target, Res Life desk assistant, bookstore staff, alumni phonathon caller, library assistant, and babysitter. I earned that degree so I could work a good 9-5 job with a salary, with benefits, with an office. I've got a 7-4 job with benefits and a student staff, so in that regard, I've done it. But it's not a job that makes me think. I like thinking! I like thinking hard. I like thinking fast. I like thinking about important things. I suppose I think of myself as an intellectual, as a lady with a good brain. And my job isn't using me and my potential. My job is using me as a body, as a functional being - nothing extraordinary.
I've tried applying for jobs elsewhere on campus, and though the employee handbook encourages upward mobility on campus or cross-transfers to a department with a better fit, I've found no luck. I've applied for Admissions Counselor positions, for an International Recruiter position, for a Campus Organization Staff position, hell, I even applied for the Assistant to the Marketing Director position because I thought even being someone's assistant might be more of a challenge than this! I talked to HR about this, and the underlying message was that the library was a good fit for me and for the library and she wouldn't consider me for any available on campus positions unless the position was a "significant" upward move. But basically, it wouldn't happen. So I'm stuck in this job.
Or am I?
I crossed grad school off my "Want To Do" list in high school. I wanted my college degree, my sweet entry level job with benefits, and I wanted to do it forever. And when I went to college, I was set to graduate in three years with a degree in my favorite thing: reading, talking about it and writing about it. So I did. And then, I got the offer to move to Chapel Hill to teach comedy (Thanks, Zach Ward), and life was perfect. I had a sweet job as Marketing Director making logos, using my brain, writing proposals and templates, and I was doing comedy: performing, writing, teaching. I was happy, and I had everything: a sweet job, a sweet comedy gig and a sweet fiance.
And then my fiance became my husband and then my husband graduated and then my husband got a job, all within about six months. And before I knew it, my life was unbelievably different. I loved Bryan (still do, fyi), and part of being Bryan's wife was picking up and going with him to Philadelphia, so he could work his first kick-ass professor job. And I was pumped! Bryan was about to jump several digits in his salary, we were going to be in a big city, and my marriage was finally seeming to be "real." And then the reality set in: I had to say goodbye to the little life I'd created for myself in Chapel Hill, my friends, my job, my DSI, my routine.
Before we moved to Philadelphia, I had landed a position as a private English tutor and American ambassador to a Swiss woman who was visiting the US. It was a three-month position, and it paid great for little time commitment. I did it; it was fun until it wasn't, and then it was over. A few months passed before I got the job working in admissions. That job was great but temporary. When it ended, I volunteered to get experience and to have something to do. We knew we were moving, so I didn't even look for another job.
And then we moved to Oklahoma. Before we got out here, I interviewed via Skype and was offered this position at the library. It sounded great, but the first four months at the job were terrible. I was coming home in tears at least once a week. Now, I've found a somewhat awkward groove in the job, but it's still not what I was hoping for, even a year later. I'm unsatisfied, unchallenged and under-appreciated. None of those are good qualities for an employee, especially one who is so young and ready to be working.
So where does that leave me? I've considered just sticking with this job for the next two years, just dealing with it, but that idea scares me. One, I'm not sure how my work ethic will be after two years of purposeful slacking. Two, these years are my prime years for developing my career. My mother always tells me to take jobs that will get me where I want to go, where I want to be when I'm 45 and still looking at another 25 years in the workplace. It took her nearly 15 years to figure out that she wanted to be an accountant, and now she is and she loves it, and she'll keep at it until she retires. I'm not there.
I have so many things that I think would be fun, would be great careers, and I have to figure out what I want most, what will make me happy. And it's the toughest part because no one, not my mother, not Bryan, not even you my readers, no one besides me can tell me what I want most. I have to own up, evaluate myself, and decide what I want to do with my life.
I've proven to myself, time and time again, that when I know what I want, I can get it. I wanted to graduate in three years. I did. I wanted to go to a good college out of state. I did (woot! Clemson!). I wanted to major in English. I did. I wanted to find an awesome guy in college. I did. I wanted to never stop improvising. I did (so far). And the realization I've made from all of these goals and achievements is that I haven't made a new long-term goal for myself in years. My goal making began in high school and besides "Get a Job," I haven't set out to achieve anything. And that's embarrassing. How could I let myself be forgotten?
I've been focusing so much on how to deal with what I've got in the present, whether it was back when I was engaged, just focusing on the wedding or now, when I'm focusing on how to survive in this (still new) place. The last three years have been the most tumultuous years of my life, never planting anywhere for very long. Where is the me I used to be?
I believe I'm still capable of greatness, still that same me. I'm not blaming anyone but myself. I've let circumstance and external forces affect the way I'm taking on life. I've chosen not to think forward. I'm responsible for the me I am in my frustrating job, in my defeated state.
But there's freedom in admitting responsibility. Because I'm the only one responsible for my future. I can defeat this lethargy. My favorite quote of all time is from (you guessed it) Ayn Rand. She says:
"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists.. it is real.. it is possible.. it's yours."
I can't help but think it's not over. I have yet to conquer Oklahoma or my future. My life, my world can be won. I will win it for myself, to prove once again that I can set a goal and achieve it. That I am not a hopeless swap. That I have not yet peaked. That I will be great, that I will do great, that I am great.
