Parenting: Do What You Gotta Do

Bryan and I have always agreed that what we do just needs to fit with what we need and what we want. We began our relationship is a flurry of rumors and cold shoulders. From then, we realized it didn't matter what people thought of what we did: if we did right by ourselves, we were doing it right.

We're pretty different from our families. We moved away. We do performance comedy. We travel often. We drink in excess. We play weird games. We don't do chores. We rarely diet. We just don't care.

When we announced my pregnancy, I was pretty worried. I didn't want to be one of those people who become obsessed with their baby, their family, their boring domestic life.

When we had Bradley, I was still worried. I had become a mother. I had lost my cool card.

Or so I thought.

But I still have all my friends. I still travel. I still have my job. I still have a silly marriage. I still perform comedy. I still drink in excess. I still hate chores. I'm still me. I just have a little dude.

It was extremely important to me that I didn't lose myself in motherhood. But, what I've found is that motherhood is different things to different ladies. I had it in my lady brain that my way was the best way. And it was/is FOR ME. Some ladies want to become mothers and be first a mother. That's awesome. If that's what you want.

This has become my mantra: do what you gotta do.

Bryan loves it - especially with his anarchist, freedom-loving, relaxed life perspective. I love it because it really frees me from feeling like I have to do things a certain way and when I don't, I have failed.

Cloth diapering? Go for it. I tried it. It worked. Until it didn't. Then I switched to disposables. Now that works. Do what you gotta do.

BLW? Tried it. It's fun. I'll keep trying it. Bradley started vomitting when he got a chunk of food in his mouth. Then I switched to purees. He loved the smooth, watery way. Made my own and also bought Gerber. Do what you gotta do.

I'm nursing Bradley, but when I don't want to, I'll use formula. I don't judge, and I think it's stupid when people care about this. Are you feeding your kid? Great. Do what you gotta do.

Swaddling? Did it. Then when he started flipping, it wasn't ok to do anymore. So I stopped. But you can bet you ass I swaddled him up until the very last possible night (right before 6 months). Do what you gotta do.

Rock him to sleep? I don't do it, but I do hold him and nurse him to sleep. Am I babying him? Yep. But HE'S A BABY!!! Then he started crying as soon as I put him down, so we cried it out because I couldn't handle holding him every night for 1.5 hours. Do what you gotta do.

Parenting is hard enough. You're just guessing and checking, seeing what works, a constant experiment with ever changing variables and often wrong hypotheses. I've found that you have to trust yourself, do right by yourself, by your partner and by your kid.

I can't think about what our parents will think if we....
I can't think about what our friends will think if we....
I can't think about what our nanny will think if we....
I can't think abotu what strangers will think if we....

I need to only think about what we think is right. What's going to work best for our little family, for our little fat baby. Do what you gotta do.

That being said, the most helpful advice we've gotten in the past six months:
1) Do what you gotta do.
2) When you can't handle the crying, do the Ferber method. After three nights, he started sleeping from 7-6.
3) Be present with your kid - put the phone away and turn off the tv.
4) Go outside, go places, travel. Teach your baby to adapt to the craziness of life.
5) Take pictures. You really don't remember as well as you think you will. The pictures help!

Controversial Parenting Choices

Sleeping in his crib since Day 1

We believe that there won't be any difficulty of transition if he's always been sleeping in his crib. We are also pretty against co-sleeping for a few reasons, mostly because it's our bed, not the family bed. He's been so great at sleeping in his crib, and we often put him down awake, and he'll fall asleep on his own (10 weeks on).

No Pacifiers
We lost this battle. In the hospital, I didn't want him to have a pacifier because I was worried he would have trouble breastfeeding. So for the first week, he didn't have any pacifiers. But I was gone one day for my checkup, and my mom couldn't calm him, so she gave him a pacifier. It works.

We try to use it as a last resort - or if we're in public at a restaurant or something. It works for when Bryan or the nanny need to calm Bradley before I'm able to get home and feed him.

Cloth Diapers
Bryan was the one who thought we should do cloth diapering. I didn't realize there was a whole culture and "type" of parenting behind cloth diapering. He wanted to do it, and now that we're in so far, I can't remember his original reasoning. I like it because I think it's super cute on his bum. It's also great that we don't have to run out to the store if we're low on diapers. And given the choice, I'd want my butt in some soft microfleece rather than plasticy cotton.

We use disposables when we're out for the day in Tulsa, and we use them at night. We have a "fancy" baby who won't stay in a wet diaper for more than a minute or two. Imagine our shock when we switched to disposables at night and he slept way longer.

The laundry isn't that bad. We have 20 newborn and 20 all in ones that he should be able to wear until he's 2. I love the colors, and I love knowing he's in the most comfortable diaper out there.
Holding As Much As Possible/Desired

This is something both sides of the family think is stupid/bad for the baby. Everything I've read says there's no proven evidence that shows not holding your baby helps them with independence. My thinking was: I carried this baby for nine months, I want to keep carrying him. Also, everyone kept saying, this will go by fast, and so I wanted to spend 80% of my time holding him, even when he was sleeping, so I could soak up all the memories, the baby smell, the little features, everything.

I put him down when I needed to do something, and I handed him off to family or Bryan when I felt like I could, but I just wanted to hold him. I'd never gotten to hold a baby so small before, and as the mother, I could hold him as long as I wanted: he was mine! So I did. And I have no regrets. None. I would hold him all day long again for six weeks straight if I could.

And now, at 11 weeks, he's great. He loves to be held, but there are times when he's fussing because he wants to sit in his bouncer and watch us from afar. He's gaining independence AND I got to hold him as much as I wanted.

My biggest advice to new moms would be to hold your baby all the time. Isn't there going to be a day when they won't want to cuddle? Or when they will be too big? Or when you'll have to work all day? I got my fill of baby cuddles, and I loved it.

Half Glasses of Wine
After nine months of no alcohol (Ben and Adrienne's wedding was my last hoorah), I wanted my red wine. And boy was that first sip delicious. I enjoy and appreciate wine even more. I've lost my taste for beer, and I haven't touched liquor, but my wine...oh, I love my red wine.

I think a half glass of wine is nothing to be ashamed of. And I would also enjoy the half glass right after he nursed, so I had at least an hour and upwards of three before he would need to nurse again. I go by the: Sober enough to drive, sober enough to nurse.

Now that Bradley sleeps 5-6 hours at night, I can enjoy a full glass (or two!) with Bryan at night. And I would never do that unless I was sure Bradley wouldn't need me...or I had a stash.

No Sleep Sacks
Mostly because they are UGLY. U-G-L-Y. I hate them. I also think they make boys look like girls. My mother bought me two, and I told her that I wanted to return them. She said, No, you'll love them in the middle of the night for diaper changes. Well, I tried it, and I hated it. So I was right!

He looked like a girl and it was much harder than a onesie. My baby sleeps in a onesie with snaps, swaddled in a blanket. Nowadays, we have a mod swad - but that's different.


9:00-10:00 Bedtime
Well, this turned out to be a pretty poor decision. It worked (I guess) for the first five weeks, but then he'd start crying at 8. So we put him to bed at 8. Then he started crying at 7, so we put him to bed at 7, and I think 7 works best now.

We were crazy thinking our baby could stay up so late. There are occasions when we keep him out late (comedy shows), and he stays up late, but it is certainly not a good idea for his regular bedtime.

Nanny/Working Mom/Stay at Home Dad
While nannies have been around forever, many people think we're crazy. I think you're crazy if you think I'm going to trust my tiny newborn to daycare in my wretched little town. The daycares are in warehouses or dirty houses. No, I knew I wanted someone to watch my baby and only my baby since before I was pregnant. And it's the best decision for us - Bradley can stay in his own environment, be around someone that's not his parents (BIG controversy - parents should be the only ones parenting says my father in law) and I can return to work.

I've already written about the difficulty with being a working mom, and that's controversial enough. Bryan has arranged his schedule to be home MWF, and it's great because during my maternity leave, I barely let him hold Bradley. So now he gets uninterrupted time with him. They have a great time, and they do things that I don't do with him - and things the nanny doesn't do with him. And I think that's awesome.

My son is getting to learn that people are different and that when you hang out with one person, it will be totally different than hangingout with someone else. With Bryan, they sing songs (They Might Be Giants or Cake), do lots of time on the activity gym, naked time, baths and watch cartoons. With the nanny, they do cuddling, reading her literature (she's an English major and they read the Raven yesterday) and she speaks softly. With me, we cuddle, I talk (loudly) and try to get him to talk, dress him up in outfits, walk around the house and show him pictures and take pictures. I think it's great for his development, and it's something some family have a hard time believing is the right choice.

Best Products for a 3 Month Old

Bradley is almost three months old, and his needs have definitely changed. We have found that many of these products are amazingly helpful for entertaining our growing baby.

Baby Einstein Panda

He loves this panda so much. It was one of the first things he laughed at. It sits on his changing table, and he can look at it when he's getting changed. It plays music with different instruments when you press his hands and feet. It's pretty cool, but it's funny how much Bradley LOVES the panda. It always makes him smile. Always.

It was the first object he started grabbing at. I think he is learning cause and effect, and he knows that when we touch the panda, it makes a musical sound. So whenever he reaches for it and touches it, we push the music for him. I'm waiting for the day for him to make them music play on his own.

Fisher Price Bouncer

He still LOVES this. He takes his afternoon nap in it. He sleeps for 2-4 hours in it. It's a godsend.

It's also perfect for when I'm getting ready: I just put him in the bouncer and move it to the bathroom while I do my hair and makeup. It's great for making dinner. We give him a spoon and let him watch us cook. We like to take vegetables down to his level, so he can smell them. He really enjoys watchign us make dinner. Often, Bryan and I will be busy talking about our days with Bradley on the bouncer on the floor, and all of a sudden, he'll babble like he wants to be included. It's pretty cute.

Baby Sunglasses

Bradley is kind of a vampire. He hates the light. Loves the dark. If there's a light on, it will take him a good five minutes to get his eyes all the way open. He starts with one eye, then both eyes half open with lots of long blinking, then finally opens and looks around.

Whenever we go outside, he slams his eyes shut. He hates it. So we bought him some sunglasses, and he loves them. He leaves them on, and you can see him open his eyes in the sun more with them on. It's so cute, too. I love stylish baby.

We got the last pair at Carter's - apparently sunglasses are out of stock after July. We scored these on sale for $3.

Baby Gap

Not only is Baby Gap made for fat babies, their onesies go over fat cloth diapers, too. I love how stylish their clothes are, and I'm addicted to their sale rack.

I like to buy tiny versions of what Bryan wears. I think babies in adult clothes is like the cutest thing ever. Now that we're finally out of the tiny clothes, everything Bradley wears is something I have personally picked out and bought for him which means I love anything he wears.

He is so freaking cute in his little man outfits, and with my sister's wedding fast approaching, we bought him a nice dress shirt onesie, a very cute blazer and some sweet shoes. All he needs is pants, but I'm gonna buy that closer to the trip.



Skip Hop Activity Gym
I HAD to buy this because it had owls. Babies R Us, Buy Buy Baby and Pottery Barn Kids all sell it - but different versions. We got the Pottery Barn Kids version because the colors were more muted and the animals were cuter. For a long time, he never noticed anything about it. It was like laying on a boring blanket, and I thought we'd wasted our money.

Until he hit two months old: then he LOVED it.

First, he enjoyed looking at everything. Then he liked swatting at everything. Then he liked holding the tags, the tails, the hoops, the animals.

In a good mood, he can spend about 20 minutes playing. His newest trick is to kick the plush bars and watch ALL the toys move.

What I love is that the animals are easily rearranged. Since he loves the bird most (wish he loved one of the owls best!), we move that one closest to him. The others are all second place after the bird.

Mod Swad

We bought this after seeing Zach Ward's baby in a straight jacket like blanket. And when this came, we experienced our first four hour long stretch, then four and a half, then five, and the other night six hours. This is the most awesome sleep tool!

First, it's super soft. I want a blanket made for me out of it!

Second, it's very easy. All you have to do is put your baby on it, zip it up and button at the top. Instant swaddle.

Bradley loves it. He just thinks it's hilarious once he's all zipped up. And even if he was just laughing a few minutes ago, once he's swaddled and laid down in the crib, he's asleep in minutes - and STAYS asleep! I think this is my favorite product.

Best Products for a Newborn

Carter's Swaddle Blankets
I bought and registered a bunch of the cute receiving blankets from Babies R Us. And they were TINY! Even for Bradley as a newborn. Their uses have been to cover his cold body or cover my breast in public.

Carter's blankets are awesome - they can't be found in Carter's stores (well, that would be too easy), but you can find them in Macy's, JC Penny and Dillards. We use them to swaddle every night.

Fisher Price Bouncer

This is my favorite thing we've bought Bradley.

It serves as a great place to put him when we're not holding him, and when he was little, he would just nap and nap in it. It has really soothing music (that isn't annoying) and vibrations that help keep him asleep.

We would often put him in there in the afternoons in the first two weeks and catch naps while he napped. It's a great place to put him, too, if I needed to shower or eat and I was home alone.

Eddie Bauer Travel System
We LOVE our stroller and carseat combo. I wish I would have waited a few more weeks to buy because they came out with an awesome blue design. But we've got the red. It's okay. I've come to terms with my impulsive buys. Patience!

The stroller passes the one handed test: both up and down. And the carseat snap easily into the base in the car. You kind of have to be a pro to get it out, but we've learned how. When we first put him in the carseat, he'd scream and scream, but after a week, he'd just wimper and get over it. The stroller is a godsend at the mall - and Bradley was too small for the stroller as a newborn, so we'd just snap his carseat in the stroller and keep going with the day. The undercarriage has great space, and there's room for FOUR cups. Shut the front door.

Boppy Pillow

I wouldn't be breastfeeding without this device. We brought it with us to the hospital, and the nurses were so h appy to see it. Supporting a 7 or 8 pound newborn while trying to adjust yourself and keep him steady for 20-40 minutes is tough. The boppy pillow was incredible at that.

There's an alternative, but it's called my Breast Friend which I would not buy on principle. I'm sure it's a fine product though.

Woa. Choosy Me.

When you have to make a choice and don't make it, that is in itself a choice.
William James



I am on the verge of change. What sort of change is up to me.

I know I'm not happy where I'm at. Things are not great in the library at the moment, and there are no indications that this will change in the next year or two. I know I will be (even if just slightly) happier doing something besides what I'm doing. I have made moves to give myself choices, thinking that of all the options, the "right" choice would be obvious.

Here I am, teetering between Plan A (graduate school) and Plan B (a better paying, more challenging job). Each path is a good one, and I suppose it is almost harder than choosing between two evils. I cannot choose "wrong," I can only choose "better."

How am I to choose? If I weigh these financially, it's a tough call. Obviously, Plan B will give me more money immediately, but Plan A may ensure higher pay in the long term. If I weigh the two emotionally, I'm not going to be accurate as I have not done either of these tracks. Each are similar to other adventures (undergraduate and admissions job), but until I am in the position, I will be unable to evaluate which is better for me emotionally. If I weigh these two options in terms of what will be challenging, I know that both of them will be - but in different ways.

I'm ready for a change. I just need to choose what sort of change I need. Do I need a rejuvenating academic adventure? Do I need a more intense job? This is my town for the time being; I need to find something and make it work. And soon.

My graduate school classes begin on my birthday, Monday, June 6. I hope to have decided before that date. Wouldn't that be a great birthday present? Clarity of mind, certainty in my choice, hopeful anticipation of change.

My Standards v. My Mom's Standards: Cleaning

Every woman must someday leave the home of her mother and build her own home. As a lady lives on her own, she'll start to develop her own cleaning habits. I, having lived on my own for five years now, feel that I have gained enough insight into my own living style that I can properly compare my cleaning standards to my Mom (who I love and admire). I have no idea how she kept the house so clean over the years with THREE daughters.

Changing the bedsheets
Mom: Every Saturday morning
Me: Every other week (I'm embarrassed.)

Vacuuming the House
Mom: Every other day
Me: I aim for weekly, but often find myself going longer in between vacuums

Doing the Dishes
Mom: What seems like hourly
Me: Thankfully, I've recruited Bryan to this task. Whew.

Washing the Laundry (and folding and delivering it!)
Mom: Daily
Me: When I have no more clean clothes that are cute enough to wear

Clearing the Kitchen Counter of Clutter
Mom: Daily
Me: Daily (finally! something rubbed off on me!)

I know I'm young, but when my Mom was my age, she had two kids already and a giant home to clean, cook for and care over. I'm thankful to have no kids, a place just right and a husband who pitches in with the laundry, the trash and the dishes. It seems I have a lot to learn from my mom. Hopefully, her skills are something that will appear in me within the next few years. I sure could use a little bit of a cleaner home.

Ladies, It's Him.

This is pretty harsh as it's so close to Valentine's Day, but it has to be said.

Ladies, it's him. I have heard so many stories in the news with Tiger & Elin and in my personal life from friends, but so many ladies blame themselves (or outsiders throw the blame on the women) when men do something wrong. I'm talking about infidelity.



There are exceptions, of course, but most of the time when a man in unfaithful, it's his fault, not yours, ladies. We all make daily choices: to flirt it up with the person serving you coffee - or not; to discuss relationship problems with your coworker - or not; to seek out cybersex or online erotic chatting - or not; to sleep with waitress despite your wife and two children - or not. These are choices, and in those choices, those men had to choose between their girlfriend or wife and this new, different woman.

Stop feeling guilty. If we can all learn something from Tiger Woods' situation, it's that no matter how hot you are, no matter if you are married, no matter if you have children, if a man wants to test out another flavor, he will. And we, as ladies, cannot stop him by hitting the gym more, talking dirty, wearing sexy getups and bad mouthing other women (or men). Please stop blaming yourself. He did it. He meant to do it - regardless if he regrets it now. Once you believe that, I think recovery by either repairing the trust or by cutting the cheater loose will be much easier.