I'm there with him.

Bryan ran into one of my friends who is an advisor at the university. I used to see her a lot since our jobs sometimes overlapped on the same student. 

She has a very cute baby boy and a few times when she just got back from maternity leave, she came and sat in my office and talking about pumping and working and how cute our babies are.

I haven't seen her except once (in line at chickfila) since I quit my job.

Well Bryan said he had a good chat with her. He said she asked if I was happy and I told her that you were really happy. 

Really happy.

I probably would have described myself as happy. But maybe I am really happy. There are some not fun things and some less than exciting moments, hell, afternoons. There are crying fits and repetitive games and changing diapers. 

But I'm the one there. I'm there with him.

He's crying and then I can comfort him or fix the problem or (if it's unreasonable crying) talk him through it, validate and then offer something else more fun or appropriate. 

He's gets all the flash cards out of a box, puts them on the floor, then puts them back in the box. Only he can't quite so it, so I help him. 

I'm there with him. 

I think it's great for him to be around me. I am the one to teach him things, to show him how to have fun and make sure he's going out and about, going outside, getting alone time, napping. I like being the schedule keeper. 

Also, I think it's great for me to be around him. Truly, I have changed. It's only been a month and a half, but my mood, my default self is so much better. 

I'm not rushed. I know that I have more time in my day and also that Bradley is newly mobile. 

I'm relaxed. If chores get done, awesome. If not and all I did was nap when Bradley napped, also awesome. It will get done.

And, I guess, I'm really happy.  

Is this real life?

Tomorrow begins my first full week at home. Last week was a special week with some weird scheduling. So this week is our first attempt at real life with me at home.

I'm excited. I can't wait to wear Toms and hang out with Bradley. He started walking (really walking, 6+ steps in a row), and I like to think it's because I'm home. He needed encouragement to walk. I mean, moms the best reason to walk somewhere. 

I'm testing this time out. I'm going to the gym Monday-Friday with another mom (free gym daycare). I'm doing chores and laundry and cooking dinner.

Also, my goal is to find a cute way to wear my hair.*

Cheers to a big week, and good luck to myself. I will need more patience, more organization and more creativity than I've needed in a little while, but I think I can do it. Here we go!

*Experiments during Bradley's naps. Successes and failures will be posted. 

My first week in my new chapter

Tomorrow is my first day of my new chapter. My last day at work was Friday, even though originally it was to be Wednesday. Long story, just as interesting as my quitting story. 

I have so much in my mind.

I am simultaneously thrilled and terrified of the chapter ahead of me. And of course, I spent the last two hours talking out "the plan" for this new chapter.

First, I made a list of ToDo during my time at home:

-go to a Mommy and Me class (if fun, repeat)

- go to the gym with my other friend who had a one year old boy AND utilize the daycare at the gym

-cook delicious and interesting dinners (goodbye spaghetti and takeout)

-read a book (title undetermined)

-sell some junk

-try to do art with Bradley 

-get Bradley to eat some meat that isn't hot dogs or sausage or bacon

-condense to only one purse

-eat more fruit

-take more baby pictures

-not watch the clock

I'm excited. I really am. A whole new thing. And this thing is my baby! My family! My home. It's now number one. I feel empowered, a blank slate and a whole new effort towards my personal life. 

Yahoooooooo!

Side note: Bryan and I had a state of the union chat tonight, and we've got two challenges. 1) Only 7 criticisms allowed all week (one of us uses too many...hmmm which one?) and 2) If it doesn't matter, don't say anything. 

And since both were directed at fixing issues, I added a third one: 3) Find the fun. With no job, I will need to refocus. Let me find the fun, find the moments.

This is a new chapter! Chapter Family. 

Life, slow down.

We're on our way to Okc for the annual Oklahoma comedy festival. I'm excited. It will be our third time, even with last years hiatus to have a baby. 

Things are moving too fast. Literally, I blink and it's the next day. I shower at nights now (wow, my life is thrilling) so I can have more time in the morning to play with Bradley. Then it's get ready, everybody and go to work and daycare. With my new boss, work is even crazier because I have to explain everything (why and how) and also help when weird things come up. Then I get home, make dinner, do bath time and playtime then it's bed, mama shower and couple time with Bradley. 

I'm exhausted. I'm getting enough sleep but I'm not getting ANY down time for me. I'm feeling that.

I've been on weight watchers and have lost 4 pounds but I can't find time to work out. I'm making better choices with food, but often the easy (and more delicious) choice is the worst for my health. It's a tough thing to balance that I'm almost giving up, saving my energy for playing with Bradley or hanging with Bryan. 

Bradley turns one in just two weeks. Going to another baby's first birthday party really made it real. There are so many things I wanted to do before his first birthday: make a photo book, lose the baby weight, wean from breastfeeding, and order a sandbox. None of that has happened and unless I can squeeze another few weeks in (without work), it just won't happen. 

Clearly, I'm feeling mediocre about my personal accomplishments, but when I see the big picture, I've got it good: a hilarious and sweet husband, a freaking adorable baby, an exciting job and enough of a paycheck to be able to plan a summer vacation. So I need to breathe, relax and refocus.

Will I be upset that I haven't done the things I wanted to do by my child's greatest milestone yet? Totally. But I mean, it's not going to happen and there's a certain maturity that I've developed living in Oklahoma where I can tell reality from wishes. It's not a fun skill, but it's definitely useful.

Especially as I button my size 6 pants and my belly puckers over and my face is rounder than id like. But seriously, me, you had a baby! I've carried a child from seed to tiny human and nursed him for one year. This body's clearly going to have some wear and tear. I'm not some supermodel. I'm a shorty, average lady with genes that lend themselves to weight gain. 

But I grew and fed a human for the last 20 months! That's pretty damn incredible.

So, I'll cherish those moments of laughter in the morning as we play peekaboo while I find my wedges and the squeals when Bradley hugs me and the "Did you hear that?"s when he says his newest word. Those are my moments. 

I can always lose the weight (lord, I hope!), but I can't get these moments back. I'll take moments with my baby over moments with the gym. And thus, I'll keep the weight. Until I can really get my post baby ass in gear!

I understand diets!!!!

Okay, so in a perfect vacuum of a world, I could eat as many cupcakes and fun size Hershey bars and drink as many Dr. Peppers and glasses of Sauvignon blanc and watch as many tv shows and sit as much as I wanted.

If I do this in reality, my weight creeps up on me.

But! I can dress cute and I'm short and I'm smiley so my weight isn't a very noticeable trait. Especially next to my fat baby.

As my fat baby thins and grows and becomes less a baby and more a toddler (yes, like a month away to one year), my weight is becoming more noticeable...and more prominent. Because I lost after having Bradley, plateaued and am now gaining again.

They say nine months on, nine months off, and ok ok that's great. Yes, I wish. Well, not happening here. I missed that boat, but I am not gonna miss them all. C'mon one year boat, I'm gonna try to catch you. And every pound lost is still a win.

I have my reasons for not losing. I'm still nursing. My job is crazy right now. I have no time. It's messy. It requires too much thinking. It isn't fun.

Well boo hoo.

I look fat in pictures because I am.

Well boo hoo.

Enough. Lets do something. So I made the huge leap to Weight Watchers. It costs money, but it's really fun. It's very laissez faire. You get daily points and everything costs points. Except some fruits and veggies, those are 0.

I UNDERSTAND HOW DIETS WORK NOW!

You eat delicious things like cake and soda and chips and they're so delicious so you eat so much and then you gain.

On diets, you make healthy low point meals and they're good (not amazing) and you eat until you're full because there's no sense in overrating something that is just ok.

I GET IT!

Note: on my week of Weight Watchers, I have one more day. I have 13 weekly points left and 26 daily points for tomorrow. On my last day I have a huge balance of points. Which is perfect since I'll be eating dinner at my parents' restaurant!

Note on progress: I feel skinnier (maybe it's motivation to be thinner) and good and wore dresses everyday this week. Oh, and I lost four pounds! Booyah.

Note on what I ate: a ton of watermelon, fried chicken drumsticks (without skin, well maybe a crumb or two), diet Dr. Pepper (yuck!), veggies, apples, flank steak, and chicken. And one donut (7 pp) never again!