Fly me out of this place

Life is moving at warp speed.

I blink and it's two weeks later. Where has the time gone?

When I returned from my work trip to Canada, I went straight to work for a six hour day without lunch. I took a quick break to nurse, but I forgot to eat. The next day I worked a nine hour day and left in the middle of the night for South Carolina.

We saw Bryan's family -and his mom who is battling as hard as she can against the cancer. We got to see her at the cancer center, and I can't imagine how wonderful it was to hold her grandson after hours of chemotherapy. We shared our fat baby with her all weekend, and I think she felt like she had reason to fight. She kept calling Bradley "Grandma's baby" and I will forever remember Bradley as "Grandma's baby."

We landed Monday night and without time to grocery shop, do laundry, unpack, clean house, it was morning and we both went to work leaving Bradley with the nanny apologizing as we rushed out the door for the state of the house and lack of snacks. Today was a whirlwind with Bryan doing a phone interview (please lord, get us out of here) while Bradley napped, and I worked like crazy catching up on everything and doing extra to make the rest of the week run smoothly.

Tonight, I have to choose from the cleanest clothes we have and re-pack for another trip where we'll leave at 4am to catch our flight to Orlando for my sister's wedding/family reunion. My uncle who I never see (haven't in four years) is flying in with his two kids, and all the family will be there. Everyone wants to see Bradley, of course, and if there's anything I learned from my trip to South Carolina is that he is most definitely Bryan's son: the quieter, smaller the group, the better. Anytime we were in a large group or in a noisy place, he freaked out. Anytime we were alone in a house in a quiet living room, he was laughing and smiling.

And if you know my family, you know we're louuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuud. And they will all want to hold him. I'm going to have to hope for the best.

My boss is pretty upset with all my travel, but I truly can't help it. I couldn't miss seeing Bryan's mom and I couldn't miss my sister's wedding - I'm the freaking maid of honor. (I refuse to say matron!) But I've trained the new staff person, and I'm available by phone and email all weekend long.

Can someone say a prayer or send good vibes for us as we try to survive our third trip in less than two weeks? And see a million family? And as I try to successfully breastfeed in a bridesmaid dress?

I need a vacation. A REAL one, where I sit in pajamas and read and sleep in and do nothing. That's Thanksgiving. If I can get to next Wednesday, I'll be the happiest lady around.

Don't blink. #drwho

 

Baby Manipulation

I will never forget the night Bryan and I realized our baby was manipulating us.

Last night, we put the little guy to bed with a fresh outfit, fresh diaper and swaddled him up. He was asleep and thirty minutes later, we hear fussing.

Bryan and I read the controversial book Bringing Up Bebe during pregnancy, and we agreed with most of what the book promoted: parents keeping their sexy relationship, babies/children eating what parents eat, and teaching patience at a young age. One important parenting move is "the pause" which is a time when you observe what your child is doing prior to reacting.

We hear the fussing and Bryan says to me, "Do you want to try the pause?"

I'm torn. While philosophically I believe in the pause, it's hard to let my baby cry. But he's not crying; he's fussing, so I agree. We wait about five minutes and the cries escalate.

"I gotta get him!"
"Are you sure?" Bryan asks. "It will probably take more than five minutes to teach him."
"I don't know. Do you think we should?"

"I don't care either way, babe. Whatever you think is best."

"I think it's best, but I don't feel it's best."
"Then go get him, babe."

So we go get him. As soon as I turn on the lamp, his fusses stop and he looks at me.

"He had real tears, Bryan!"
"That doesn't mean anything."
"Real tears!"
"But he's not wet, he's not hurt, he's not anything. He just wants to be held."

I pick him up. With eyes closed, Bradley smiles.

"He's manipulating you, Alyssa."

He stops smiling and opens one eye.

"Oh my gosh, he is!"

He smiles with eyes closed.

"He's fake sleeping, Alyssa. He's faking it. He just wants you to hold him."

And we stood there staring at our manipulative baby who was fake sleeping and totally pleased with himself in getting us to come pick him up.

I put him down and he started fussing again.

"He's manipulating you."
"I know, but he's crying!"

"It's manipulation!"

"Real tears, Bryan!"

And I picked him up again. Smiles.

"He is totally manipulating me!"

"I told you, babe."

So I finally rocked him to a deep sleep, laid him down and told him that was it, no more. And he didn't wake up again until the middle of the night.

But now I'm stuck. My baby is manipulating me. While I think it's the right thing to teach him NOT to manipulate me, I have a hard time just letting him cry (real tears). Here we face our first crossroads. And we better choose quickly.

Monday

Well, Aunt Brooke was supposed to be here already but because Delta sucks - and there aren't many flights to Tulsa - she wont get here until tomorrow morning. Sad face.

Bradley had another great night. He started it out with a four hour stretch from 12 to 4am. It was glorious.

He's been awake lots today, and even peed on Bryan which I find hilarious.

We went grocery shipping without a list for the first time in three years (oh, the first year of marriage). We spent an hour wandering around, forgetting things and going back for them, laughing deliriously at tiny pepperonis, being sure to pose with our baby any time someone tried peeking and the accepting all the oohs and Ahhhs as personal validation of our genetics. It was stupid, and we bought ridiculous things like chocolate chip cookies and cinnamon rolls.

Bath time is still a nightmare until we get to shampooing his head.

I am still very tired but I am finding a routine...one that I need to post before things change too much and I can't remember.

brain dump

I am so tired. So tired. Every two hours, I'm awake feeding the baby.

I can't think of snack ideas let alone meals. We are surviving on peanut butter sandwiches, spaghetti, sun chips and takeout.

I can't figure out if my son likes being swaddled or hates it. It feels like he's changing his mind hourly (sounds like me).

I'm reading all sorts of books. They say babies should sleep in 68-72 degree rooms. That sounds freezing to me. They also say his cord should fall off between 1-2 weeks, and it still hasn't.

Today, I went to campus to welcome all my recruits - the biggest cohort of International students in university history. *brush shoulders off*

My rings fit again! And they're even a little loose like before I was pregnant. Thank goodness.

Improv starts up tomorrow. I'm not sure if I'm going. Bryan is. And I'm debating. No one wants a baby at a college improv rehearsal.

I had my first half glass of wine. It was glorious. I bought the bottle the day before I took the pregnancy test, and it's been "aged" on my counter for 9 months. I felt buzzed on just half a glass, and it was so delicious. Taking it lightly, and I'm not drinking more than that or more than two or three times a week since Bradley is so little.

And I'm still laughing. Bryan is still laughing, we are surviving. And still kissing. Whew.

Perspective

This morning, I noticed my hair was growing quickly and it took me a little longer to blow dry. This morning, Bryan's mom was deciding if the hair loss was significant enough to start wearing her wig again. This morning, I'm at the doctors with my (unborn) son to check up on my health. My appointment will take at most an hour. This morning, mom is at the hospital with her grown son for treatment. They will be there all day. Life can be so contrary, and my current situation is both sweet and heartbreaking. I was really hoping for a boy in this pregnancy, for a chance for mom to see her son have a son, to relive all the memories of raising Bryan, for me to try to raise a son like she did. I can only hope that I am as good a mother to my son as she is to Bryan.

Life as I know it

This morning, I didn't want to get out of bed. Even though I slept from 11:30 until 7:30, I was still tired. My shower didn't wake me. Breakfast didn't wake me. Chelsea Lately didn't wake me. But I pulled on my pants and my shoes (well, I needed Bryan's help for the sneakers) and got my butt to work.



Even though I'm tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired.

At lunch today, I'm checking my blood pressure at WalMart (how Tahlequah of me) to make sure everything's good. I think it is, but yesterday's evening swelling didn't go down much after putting up my feet and sleeping, so I'm slightly worried.

I think Bryan is ready for the baby to be here more than I am. I'm excited to put the baby in all the cute clothes I got and to see what he looks like and to cuddle him and to learn what that whole "new baby smell" is all about, but I'm honestly a little terrified.

What if he cries all the time? What if he just won't stop pooping, peeing, spitting up and all kinds of other nasty stuff? What if I turn into one of those annoying people who only talk about their kid? What if he likes Bryan more than me? What if Bryan likes him more than me? What if I cry all the time? What if I don't lose the weight? What if my face doesn't go back to being skinny? What if he hates my Moby wrap?

I know I'm a crazy person for thinking of all this stuff, and that everyone says my instincts will kick in. But let's be honest: I'm a young, wild lady. No one has ever let me hold their baby for long, and I can barely keep up with my own laundry, dishes and taking out the trash. How I am supposed to handle motherhood?

This kid is sure to have an interesting life growing up with me and Bryan has his parents. But am I going to have an interesting life with a kid? I mean, we've talked about kids and how we want them since we were dating, but now that it's almost a reality, I'm freaking out a little.

(This has to be normal, right??)

I'm thankful that my baby is six weeks from his due date, two weeks from his safe date.

But it is slightly terrifying when all of my yogurt's expiration dates are later than my kid's due date.

Reflections on Being 24

This year has been incredible.

Incredibly significant.

Incredibly sad.

Incredibly exciting.

Incredibly romantic.

Incredibly wild.

Incredibly incredible.

Last year, I had the best birthday ever on the heels of visiting Philadelphia and performing in Duofest. My life was about to change. I thought I was going to quit my job for grad school.

Turns out, I quit my job for an incredible job. Look how happy I am with my new job.

in DC

in Vietnam

in Tahlequah

in China

I went on several personal trips this year for awesome reasons.

Clemson Homecoming

Homecoming with my favs

Ben and Adrienne's SC wedding

Florida for Thanksgiving

(I was pregnant here and didn't know it)

Christmas in Kentucky with the Buckleys

Second City mainstage show

Florida to celebrate the baby coming

I had the most incredible improv year of my life.

my favorite show we've had

Jazz Lab Show

I taught classes in Oklahoma City

killed our show in my old stomping grounds at NCCAF

I had a silly handful of times. I cried a few times. I screamed with excitement a few times.

This year has been the craziest year of my life. I've changed.

I've gone from librarian to international recruiter. From skinny to pregnant. From depressed to satisfied. From lonely to loved. From poor to not poor. From oblivious to aware.

It's the year I grew up. I'll remember my 24th year forever.

It's the year I landed my best job yet.

It's the year we could afford 12 trips.

It's the year we found out that cancer can come back. Can come back worse.

It's the year we concieved our first child.

It's the year I was my funniest.

It's the year I went on my first international trip(s).

It's the year I got my own staff.

It's the year I both lost 10 pounds and gained 25.

It's the year I rebuilt my relationship with my sister.

It's the year.

And now it's over. What the heck will come from this next year?





Pregnancy Update/Confession: 28.5 Weeks

I went to the doctor for a TB scare after interacting with a few students who tested positive for TB. They squeezed me in on an hour's notice.

Nurse did the normal pee in a cup, weight, blood pressure, heart beat, all that jazz. I was surprised at the number on the scale, but I've come to expect surprise.

Doctor comes in and says we need to reweigh. Something must be wrong, she says. Back on the scale. That number can't be right. It is. She looks at me and back at the number.

I'm in trouble.

We get back in the room and she says, "Let's talk about your weight gain. Tell me what you've been eating."

Uh oh.

Damnit, guys. I've been eating GREAT. Protein, yogurt, watermelon, whole grain English muffins, bananas. Except for last weekend when I ate lots of cake, cupcakes, mousse, flautas, muffins and drank my weight in soda.

Apparently my snoring is due to my weight gain. And my swelling to my soda intake. And my soda intake is making me gain weight. EVEN IF IT IS SPRITE!

Hence the FIVE pounds I gained in a week.

So, she put me on a diet until Wednesday (my next appointment). I'm only allowed to consume water - and water with lemon. No soda, no coffee (not a problem), no tea, no caffine, no ice cream, no fast food (not a problem), no sweets. I'm supposed to do this all weekend until Wednesday.

If my swelling doesn't go down (she used a fancy word to describe how when she pushes on my calves or feet and the fingerprint stays indented - not good), then I'm on a diet for awhile. This really sucks. And it comes on the heels of doing really well. I really thought about not posting this, but I need to be honest with myself and with my ladies. I messed up.

Damnit.

Happy happy joy joy

Happy: My rings both fit again! Last night, I looked down and saw that my chunky fingers were back to normal. And viola, the rings slid back on.

Happy: I went grocery shopping yesterday and have a fridge full of watermelon and fresh(ish) pasta, a pantry full of beans and baked Cheetos, a counter with English muffins and bananas, and a freezer full of strawberry bars and French Silk ice cream (my favorite). It's wonderful to have access to food.

Joy: I'm finally able to go to lunch with my girlfriend Natasha. It's been nearly two weeks. We're walking to lunch to be healthy but mostly because Bryan has the car and she's been walking to work since her car broke. But we'll go with healthy.

Joy: Bryan's summer schedule has begun. I love having him home in the evenings, and I really like that he's able to spend time relaxing at home playing video games and watching shows on Netflix. He works so hard during the year, and I love the non-stressed, sweet Bryan. He deserves this summer break. This silly Bryan reminds me a lot of college Bryan. Which I love.

Miniature Happiness

It's definitely the little things in life.

Like fresh watermelon. And eating it with my eyes closed thinking about vacation

Fruit is good for you. Watermelon is one of the best. Especially when you're pregnant.

Vacation is good for you. Anticipating it is just as good.

Monday Mind Dump

I had the most incredible weekend. One of the best in awhile!

Friday evening, our students performed the last comedy show of the year with a fabulous improv mainstage show where our graduating senior guessed all 5 crazy things with nearly two minutes left. They performed their first sketch show, and it went beautifully (minus the awkward part where someone forgot the last line, but they improvised and recovered so I could black them out). We were so proud.

Saturday, we slept in, threw some clothes in a suitcase and ran away to Tulsa for a staycation. We had a delicious lunch at PF Changs (finally using our gift cards from Christmas), peeked at the overpriced adorable things at Pottery Barn Kids and bought gifts for each other at Banana Republic. I had my massage with Elisa, and it was glorious! She remembered me based on "how hot your back is" - apparently, my circulation is very good and because of me and the baby, the blood in my back makes me very hot to touch. Cool?

We walked around the mall, picked up a cute cardigan on sale for the baby, split a pretzel and just held hands as we window shopped. We've been doing this together for six years now. Weird. Then, Bryan got to pick the movie we saw: The Hunger Games in imax. He's read the book; I haven't. It was a great movie, but I'm not sure I love the story (kids killing kids: awful!) or the guy named Gale (what a lame name - not much better than Peeta).

We did our traditional Melting Pot anniversary dinner and they sat us in a corner booth, tucked far away from everyone else and we were hidden. It was so romantic. And for the first time, I wasn't too stuffed by dessert. In fact, I ate some of Bryan's entree! I was so hungry. It was the perfect pregnant dinner. And we ended with chocolate all over rice krispies, strawberries, cheesecake and brownies. We left the restaurant around 11:30 and drove to the aLoft hotel (which we love since staying there 3 years ago in Durham). It was so romantic!

We woke, had breakfast at Panera and then drove home to reality. Where our baby stroller/carseat was waiting for us and our house that needed cleaning.

On Sunday, we spent the evening at a local camp celebrating our improv team's success with awards, food and games. I played volleyball and probably shouldn't have. Where I dove (I know, I know, Bryan wanted to kill me) really hurts and where I hit the ball on my forearms is swollen and painful to the touch. Whoops. I guess I need to start acting pregnant. They had elections, and we're very pleased with the new board.



Today, I felt my first Who-Stole-My-Brain-and-Emotions feeling. I was angry and upset and nauseous and on the verge of tears over a series of things that wouldn't normally upset me. I hated it, and the more I felt like I wasn't myself, the more upset it made me. By the time lunch came, Bryan picked me up and he knew something was wrong with his crazy wife. Instead of doing peanut butter sandwiches at home, he took me to a panini place in town. He likes to remind me that I need to take it easy and remember that I'm pregnant and stop trying to do everything I used to do. After a panini and more than half a slice of cheesecake, I felt a lot better.

This week should be a relaxing week. And next week is my Florida vacation/baby shower which I have highlighted and circled on my calendar at work. I am counting down the days!! Lord knows I need some time with my sisters, my moms and away from Oklahoma. Also, can we talk about the baby nonstop? Then maybe I wouldn't forget that I'm pregnant.

6 Years with Bryan

I've never been in a relationship with someone this long. 6 years is a really long time. I'll prove it.

In 2005, I met Bryan through the improv team at Clemson. Our group really liked to go to parties.

There's Bryan on the left and me on the far right. I barely knew him.
FUN FACT: That's Jason next to me, Bryan's best friend and my other boyfriend.

In the late spring, we both were recently single and Bryan asked me out. We went to Greenville on April 28, 2006 for our first date and when Bryan tried to kiss me at a stop light on the way home, I pulled away and said, "The light's green!"

The second day of being together, April 2006

our first year of dating

We dated that summer and I had no idea that we'd get so serious - so quickly.

6 month anniversary - at Justin & Erin's wedding

one year anniversary at Melting Pot

In our second year, we went on a cruise together, went to Disney World (three times), started our duo show (and performed in three festivals), started the Rapscallion, went to New York City, and got engaged.

bar-hopping in Clemson

Gainesville Improv Festival

New York City, March 2007

In our third year, we celebrated my graduation and my 21st birthday, moved me to Chapel Hill, lived apart that summer - I lived with Zach Ward (what?), made a lot of trips to each other, celebrated our first Christmas with family, went to Disney World (twice), got married, went on a cruise, moved in together, did comedy at DSI together and got ready for Bryan to graduate with his PhD.

my 21st

rocked my first year at DSI

new years 2008

honeymoon

In our fourth (and most crazy fun) year, we did more comedy at DSI, visited Charleston and Orlando, moved to Philly, Bryan got his PhD, went to Del Close Marathon in NYC, spent too many weekends and too much money going to NYC all the time, went to Disney World, celebrated our first married Christmas, joined the N Crowd, and found out that we were trading the big city for a small town in Oklahoma.

 

first meal in Philly: cheesesteak

he's a doctor!

more weekends in NYC

In our fifth (and most scary) year, we clung to each other, spent everything we had on a three month long road trip to see all our friends, performed at the OKC Festival, started performing with OKC improv, started our new jobs, started a new improv community, celebrated Christmas at Disney, did festivals and took the college kids to Chicago for spring break.

moved to our house in Oklahoma

OKC Festival July 2010

OKC improv

started an improv team

daned the waltz in the Nutcracker

Christmas

In our sixth (and most tumultuous) year, we celebrated Brooke's graduation, made a trip to Florida, celebrated my birthday in Philly, I got my new job, fell in love with OKC, found out about Bryan's mom's cancer, celebrated 10 years of MTS, decided to try for a baby, found out that I was pregnant, shared the news with family, made trips to support Bryan's mom, and found out that we'll be in Oklahoma another year.

It's been a really crazy six years.

I can only imagine that this year will be our most crazy yet as we embark on this whole parenthood thing this August. It was really nice to look back through the pictures. We have had a lot of really incredible times, sweet pictures and a lot of love. There's nobody else that I could love this much. I am lucky to be with Bryan. He really is perfect.

Happy anniversary, Bryan. 6 years and we still got it ;)