Life nowadays

While I felt like the first weeks home with Bradley were a blur. A blur of the same this and that over and over until I got faster and better and happier. I was tired from not sleeping, happy from spending so much time cuddling my little infant and surprised at how naturally my mothering came to me.

The last two weeks have been a blur - but a different kind of blur. The kind of blur that comes when things are moving way too fast instead of the blur created by lack of sleep combined with repitition. My life has gotten even faster, even better, and I've become happier (please don't kill me for this).

I really like the new routine of working.

That's probably blasphemous for many.

I just like it. I like putting on heels and cardigans and dress pants and pearls and my nice watch and a dress and knowing it won't get messed. I like my office with a door I can close without feeling guilty. I like my staff of students that I can ask to do things for me without feeling like a nag. I like the sense of accomplishment when I complete a tough project or help a student or fix a problem. I like meetings. I like it.

And I feel guilty for liking it. I can't shake it.

I just feel judged for saying that I like it. Like I should secretly enjoy working but complain about how it's not as great as being home all day with my baby.

But I can't. Maybe I thrive on being contrary. Maybe I am not that maternal. Maybe I'm just a career woman.

I think I'm a better wife and a better mom for it.

I LOVED my weekend. Friday night was so awesome. We ordered pizza and hung out at home. I cuddled Bradley until bedtime, and after he went to bed, Bryan and I ate the last of our Halloween candy (is it not Halloween yet?) and stayed up like old times.

Saturday, we all woke up in good moods and decided to go to Tulsa. I bought Bradley a ridiculous amount of clothes from Baby Gap in the next size up - Bryan was distracted holding Bradley. We walked around the mall, had lunch at the Olive Garden where I got to enjoy some wine, and just had a good outing. That night, we put Bradley down early and ate freezer spaghetti sauce (from when Bryan's mom was in town).

Yesterday, we never left the house. We all stayed in pajamas, never showered and never did anything of value. Just family day. We made Bradley laugh, tried to get him to crawl, sang songs, got him to hold a pen and made jokes about being a fat CEO, ordered diapers and wipes from Target online because we were too lazy to go out and buy them in the store. It was truly a beautiful day.

And I'm not sure I'd love lazy weekends as much if I wasn't so busy during the week.

Granted, I'm trying to slow down. The middle of the night feedings won't last forever (I've just realized), and I am now cherishing them. Screw the books that say don't make eye contact. I love making him smile. I love kissing him and telling him I love him. I'm happy to get up and cuddle him.

I'm trying to realize that being a few minutes late somewhere doesn't matter that much if it means letting Bradley finish eating. Or get his diaper changed. Or get a few more kisses.

Also, I've plataued at my weight. I'm pretty disappointed, but my doctor says that I'm at a crossroads. If I want to lose the last 10-12 pounds, I need to stop breastfeeding. And I'm not sure that I'm ready for that. I want to look hot, but I can't yet imagine giving up my close bond with Bradley that breastfeeding gives us.

There's a lot going on. Clearly. But I'm happy. I like my job, love my husband, love my son, love my weekends and am excited for all the trips planned in the coming weeks.

 

Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop to look around once in awhile, you might miss it.