Tears and Fears and Beers

To say I've had a rough week is an understatement.

I've had a terrible, no good, rotten week. Nothing tragic: my house didn't burn down, no one died and I wasn't robbed. But it's the addition of little mishap after mishap that has broken me.

Yesterday, I cried in the shower. A long, sad, sorrow cry. And it was justified. As if cries ever need validation.

Work has been a tumbling mess. On Monday, everything was fine. On Tuesday, it was a battleground, relationships in flames and feelings suffering. On Wednesday, the war was over, but the air was stale with discomfort and recovering emotions.

My nanny has been incredible despite the awkward schedule. Tuesday, I took a very short lunch, and she had little time to run out for food and relax. And then I was late getting home. And yesterday, I was late getting home with Bryan. And the poor baby has been feeling it. By the end of the day, he's fussy and the only thing that will calm him is his mom's cuddles and the boob.

And after a long day, all I want is to lay down in the dark for a few minutes, have a glass of wine and be silent until all the mess of the day is forgotten.

With a baby, that can't happen. I'm overwhelmed. I'm frustrated. I'm sad. And Bradley can't help himself. He still needs hugs, diaper changes, nursing, and attention. And he needs his mom.

When all of this came to a climax last night and I thought I'd never survive, Bradley went to bed from 7pm to 1am. The first six hour stetch. And then from 1:30-6:30.

It's like he knew. He knew that I couldn't handle another bad day. I couldn't handle any more stress.

And all of a sudden, everything was better. Like when the sun comes out after a crappy, cloudy day. He went to bed, Bryan and I just stood hugging each other in the kitchen, saying nothing, just loving the crap out of each other for one long, quiet moment.

When it got too much to bear, all of a sudden, it was easy again.

And when morning came, the mishaps didn't bother me. I didn't have time to eat breakfast, so I threw a Luna bar in my purse. Bradley spit up half his morning feeding all over my work outfit, so I changed into something else.

I'm maintaining my calm, whispering to myself "This too shall pass" and just waiting for the moments of long hugs with Bryan.

Le sigh. Life.