Life and Such

Blog, I don't know what to tell you. Bryan snapped this picture of me this weekend, and I thought I was smiling. I suppose I am, but it's not a real smile. It's a forced smile. It's a I-can't-stop-thinking-about-this smile. It's pain.

I'm hurting. I'm scared. I'm not sure. I'm in need of a hug or two or forty.

I hate this. I hate how unpredictable this is. I hate how unstoppable this is. I hate how I can't talk about it. I hate how it makes me feel. I hate how I can fix it. I hate how it's hurting family.

I can't focus. I can't understand. I can't believe.

What? Why? When?

I spent a weekend with family, and it was good, it was bad, it was sad, it was happy, it was awkward, it was good.

We said a lot of things we needed to say. We heard a lot of what we needed to hear. We shared some of our new intentions, our new hopes, our new plans, and I'm not sure how much weight I will attribute to them, but I am certain that my perspective has shifted.

Life has no guarantees. Life has no easy roads. Life has no bandaids. Life has no apologies. Life is and isn't.