Pregnancy: a review

Since I'm nearing the end, let me share my feelings about this pregnancy.

FIRST TRIMESTER
I took my pregnancy test, showered and expected a negative. I remember standing naked staring and crying at the test. I woke Bryan and we couldn't believe it.

I felt little nausea, never vomitted and felt cute gaining a little weight. At the time, I thought I had a bump. It is clear to me that I didn't. I felt great.

We shared the news with my parents over skype by mailing a package with a Clemson onesie. We shared the news with Bryan's family during a family photo shoot. There were no dry eyes. We shared our news on facebook with a video.

We definitely had the most "what the heck did we do" moments. We were more scared than excited. But this baby was important. This baby was a signal to the future, that there is a future, that there is hope.

The first trimester was the best. I was still skinny, I had an awesome little secret, and I could indulge in some extra calories without too much guilt. I felt so much like myself, and I really had no idea what I was in for.

SECOND TRIMESTER
This trimester took forever. We shared the news of our baby's sex on facebook.

I went to China. My feet started swelling and never really stopped. Standing all day, being in heels and spending 14+ hours in a plane made it worse.

I craved fruits and baked goods. I liked eating tortilla chips with chocolate.

I started weighing more than I ever have in my whole life.


We painted the baby's nursery, bought his furniture, a ton of baby clothes, baby gear and registered for everything else.

We still didn't know what to name him.

I slept all the time. I fell asleep at 10 every night.

I started wearing maternity clothes all the time. I really liked the way my body was changing, and I was in love with my curvy body, including the baby bump.

We had two showers for the baby, and we were amazed by all the generosity of our friends and family.

I felt his first movements, and Bryan felt a few, too.

The second trimester took forever to pass, and I think it was not as wonderful as all the books and the internet say. I certainly was tired and swollen. Yes, I wasn't that big, but it really wasn't as easy as I was hoping for. I felt like myself, but I was fighting big, fat feet and trying not to fall asleep.


THIRD TRIMESTER

I have been so tired after work, or any continuous activity. I like to end my days laying on the couch.

I crave sweet baked goods all the time.

I see the doctor almost weekly, and I am getting more blood drawn, more weigh ins, more measurements than ever. Sometimes I feel like a science experiment.

As the due date approaches, I worry about how work will handle my absence, if everything will be taken care of during my leave. I hired a personal assistant who will handle the daily operations and save the big things for my return.

I freaked out about my nutrition, and I changed my ways. I stopped eating Kraft mac-n-cheese and Cap'n Crunch. I now eat Cheerios with yogurt, salads, protein heavy dinners with lots of veggies, lots of watermelon snacks.

I can only wear maternity clothes.

I got my first stretch marks. I got stuck in the couch for the first time.

The third trimester has been flying by, and maybe that's because there's still lots to go. I feel like myself only I have a giant belly and I like to sit down after awhile.

Bryan claims I'm still sexy and cute, though it's hard to feel like it sometimes. I like the way I look in dresses.

I have a few realistic fears, and I fear the impending labor and delivery, and I really enjoy thinking about when my baby will come and how. Mostly, I'm excited to see what he looks like!

Pregnancy Update: 34 Weeks

How Big is Baby: Honeydew, 17.2-18.7 inches, 4-6 lbs
How Far Along: 34 Weeks

Weight Gain: 29 pounds. Two pounds this week. I am hoping it's the baby gaining. I am really not ready to see the 3 in front of another number. I haven't ever gained this much weight. Thankfully, I was talking to my aunt over the weekend, and she says that twenty pounds come off within a month. The last bits are the parts you have to work off - and that I don't mind. I have been dreaming about running and doing Jillian Michaels and getting skinny. I want that.

Sleeping: I sleep lots, but I'm always tired. I need more sleep. I wake up at least twice a night to pee, so it's interupting my sleep. I could use a daily nap, but there's never enough time.

Food Cravings: sour candy, cold water and fajitas with fresh salsa. I'm making a bowl of salsa with a whole tomato, half a jalapeno, a little bit of onion and some fresh lime juice and then DEVOURING it at least twice this week.

Food Aversions: pizza

Symptoms:
Crazy swollen feet - This has been my worst symptom. And of course, it's still here. I can't make it past lunch without seeing major swelling. I have been very worried about it, but my blood pressure is normal (and well within the healthy range) and my water intake is good. There also hasn't been any protein in my urine, so we're good. Except for the fat feet!!

Frequent urination - It came! All pregnancy I've somehow maintained my ability to hold my urine for several hours at a time even while consuming ridiculous amounts of water. It happens at work, about every two hours, and while I'm sleeping, anywhere from two to five times a night. It happens at home, especially, maybe because my body knows my bathroom is clean and so close.

Increase in breast size - my breasts are huge! I've always been famous for having great cleavage, and prior to my pregnancy, I'd say I had the perfect rack: 34DD. Well, now things are just ridiculous. I bought a new bra over the weekend (after my size didn't come in the store) from an awesome nursing bra company Bravado (expensive, but the best in the biz) in my new size. Are you ready for it? Sit down. It's ridiculous: 36G. What?!

Fear - I was afraid in the early pregnancy, and then it became a cute idea and exciting and mildly terrifying. Now, I'm realistic and scared - and the birth is so close that it seems reasonable to be scared!

Doctor's Appointment: I get the week off! I did so well that I can have a week to myself. Next week begins my weekly appointments (for real) and internal checks. I am hoping for nothing too crazy. I'm not ready yet for a baby!!

Movement: He's been moving a lot more lately. He's huge. I can feel him from my ribs to my pelvis. Often when I am sitting, I can feel some serious movement in my pelvis, often he'll push against my bladder. His feet move around, and I love feeling it. My favorite is when he sticks his butt out.

Gender: Boy. And we still don't know the name.

Best Moment of the Week: Finding out that my swelling isn't bad - that it's more than most pregnant women, but it's not coming with excessive weight gain, high blood pressure or protein in my urine. Things are good. Whew.

What I'm Looking Forward To: This weekend of relaxing. I have no plans, only relaxing on the docket.

What I've Got for Baby: This week, I bought a blood pressure machine. It's more for me than for baby, but if the blood pressure is too high, I have to go straight to the hospital. It's so comforting to see that my blood pressure is great. Also, we picked a pediatrician and did a hospital tour. Baby also got a head start on bedtime stories thanks to Bryan's reading of Lemony Snicket.

What I've Learned This Week: Nurses don't like birth plans. Even though the internet loves to recommend them, the nurses at the hospital I will deliver say they laugh at any mom who comes in with one and joke to each other that it will end in a c-section.

They tell me this as I'm holding a printed version of mine...which I sneakily folded in half and threw into my purse saying, "Oh, yes, that's so ridiculous, those moms with birth plans."

I will share my plan with Bryan, so he can be in the know and help make sure things go as best as they can. I want the drugs, I want to try lots of positions and I want my baby on me immediately after birth. Other than that, let's do it how it happens.

Feel the pressure

So my doctor has been watching my blood pressure. In the doctor's office it has been normal, but that one day it was scary. So I'm on watch. If its higher than 160/90, I have to go immediately to the hospital.

Today my feet were swelling so I went to Walmart. My first reading:



Not great!

Then I say quietly and tried again.



Better.

We were a little worried that the machine wasn't great...an that walking from the parking lot to the back of Walmart to test may have elevates my blood pressure.

So we bought a blood pressures chime.
Here's the reading after lunch:



So great! Whew.

To be ire it wasn't a fluke good reading, I took it again (and all the girls in my office):



Awesome! And it was better than everyone else. Little pregnant me: best blood pressure. Yes!!

I am happy to have this machine. I can use it whenever we are worried. For now, I can rest knowing I'm fine!

Life as I know it

This morning, I didn't want to get out of bed. Even though I slept from 11:30 until 7:30, I was still tired. My shower didn't wake me. Breakfast didn't wake me. Chelsea Lately didn't wake me. But I pulled on my pants and my shoes (well, I needed Bryan's help for the sneakers) and got my butt to work.



Even though I'm tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired.

At lunch today, I'm checking my blood pressure at WalMart (how Tahlequah of me) to make sure everything's good. I think it is, but yesterday's evening swelling didn't go down much after putting up my feet and sleeping, so I'm slightly worried.

I think Bryan is ready for the baby to be here more than I am. I'm excited to put the baby in all the cute clothes I got and to see what he looks like and to cuddle him and to learn what that whole "new baby smell" is all about, but I'm honestly a little terrified.

What if he cries all the time? What if he just won't stop pooping, peeing, spitting up and all kinds of other nasty stuff? What if I turn into one of those annoying people who only talk about their kid? What if he likes Bryan more than me? What if Bryan likes him more than me? What if I cry all the time? What if I don't lose the weight? What if my face doesn't go back to being skinny? What if he hates my Moby wrap?

I know I'm a crazy person for thinking of all this stuff, and that everyone says my instincts will kick in. But let's be honest: I'm a young, wild lady. No one has ever let me hold their baby for long, and I can barely keep up with my own laundry, dishes and taking out the trash. How I am supposed to handle motherhood?

This kid is sure to have an interesting life growing up with me and Bryan has his parents. But am I going to have an interesting life with a kid? I mean, we've talked about kids and how we want them since we were dating, but now that it's almost a reality, I'm freaking out a little.

(This has to be normal, right??)

I'm thankful that my baby is six weeks from his due date, two weeks from his safe date.

But it is slightly terrifying when all of my yogurt's expiration dates are later than my kid's due date.

Career, Babies and Marriage

The internet is somewhat blowing up over this recent article by the controversial Penelope Trunk.

She tells the world to get pregnant at 25 if you want a high-powererd career.

Well, I happen to be 25, pregnant and desiring of a high-powered career. I just had my 25th birthday, and I am in my mid-twenties now. I'm very pregnant, and I see myself as the director of some department on a university or college campus in my forties.

Clearly, I had to read this article.

Here are some highlights:
I loved that women are coming forward to say that it is literally impossible to have a high-powered career while you have young kids, if you want to be involved in your kids’ lives. The best thing older women can do for younger women right now is to tell the truth. It’s hard to tell the truth because if you are trying to do the high-powered job and the kids, you will kill your career by admitting that it’s impossible.

But here’s the truth for women: You should not plan your life so that you work until you’re 30 and then have kids, and also have a huge career. Because you will be taking care of kids during the very time when all the men you worked with are working harder and longer hours than ever before. Men who have kids are in a great position to climb the ladder. They have wives at home. Women cannot go full speed ahead until the kids are grown up. Slaughter has great evidence for this. But you should be able just to look around and see that this truth. My favorite example: All the male Supreme Court Justices have families. Two of the three women do not. And the one who does, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, did not start her career until her kids were grown.

Slaughter lays out a great plan. It’s tucked into the article, among a lot of other calls to action. But she says, if you want to have a huge career, have kids when you are 25 so your kids will be grown when you are 45, because there will still be time to have a huge career.

This also means women will need to start dating men who are older than they are. This also seems like a good idea. Men, of course, love younger women. But more than that, women who are in their twenties are in their prime in terms of self-confidence. They are physically very desirable, and they are doing better at work than men. Men, on the other hand, are at their nadir of self-confidence in their twenties. They are not making money, which is something that is very valuable on the dating scene. And they are not doing as well as women at work. Men look way better in their 30s when the women have left the workplace and the men have a more solid grip on their earning power.

So look. Here’s my first post directed solely at Generation Z women: Spend the years from age 20-25 focused on getting married. There is no evidence that doing well in school during that period of your life will get you worthwhile benefits. There is no evidence that waiting longer than 25 makes a better marriage. And there is not evidence that women who do a great job early in their career can bank on that later in their career. There is evidence, though, that women who focus on marriage have better marriages. There is evidence that women who have kids earlier have healthier kids, and there is evidence, now, that women who have grown children by age 45 do better at getting to the top in the workforce than all other women with kids.

You can bet I'm forwarding this article to my two (younger) sisters.

Monday Brain Dump

We saw a lot of movies this week.

• Young Adult with Charlize Theron: dark comedy and was hilarious.
• Dr. Strangelove: old school satire, funny.
• Seeking a Friend of the End of the World: not as funny as the previews show, but loved it.

We booked our tickets for my sister's wedding. Our bank statement has way too many trips on it right now. This fall is going to be wildly out of control. We'll have a baby coming, a homecoming trip, a wedding, thankfully staying for Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Okay, it doesn't sound like that much actually when I type it out, but it sounds like a lot to me when I see how much it costs! Geez. Stressing me out!

We picked our pediatrician this weekend. It was tough, but I'm happy with our decision.

We took a hospital tour, saw a few hours old 10 pound baby, accidentally confused two nurses (they told me to pee in a hat and put on a gown to which I said, I'm not in labor!!) and learned that birth plans may be popular on the internet, but the nurses hate them.

I'm addicted to fajitas right now. And fresh, homemade pico de gallo.

In two weeks, anything could happen. And by which I mean, we could have a baby at any point. WHAT.

Pregnancy Update: 33 Weeks

How Big is Baby: honeydew, 17.2-18.5 inches, 4-5 pounds

How Far Along: 33 Weeks, just 49 days to go!

Total Weight Gain: 27 pounds. Two pounds this week. I wonder how my midwife will feel about the gain. I think it's normal. If baby is gaining, I should be gaining! I'm eating well, salads and protein and veggies when I can. I'm eating lots of yogurt and fruit.

Sleeping: I slept a LOT this week. Over the weekend, we clocked a minimum of 10 hours each night. I took a two hour nap yesterday, and I have been getting about 8 hours of sleep each night. I am waking at least once a night to pee, but otherwise, I am sleeping great.

Food Cravings: baked goods! It took everything in me not to bake cookies last night. I have all the ingredients for my favorite: chocolate chip. I am trying to wait to see what the doctor thinks of my weight gain before I indulge in a good dozen of those.

Food Aversions: hamburgers, cheeseburgers, chicken sandwiches. I want my meat without bread and without any dressings or toppings.

Symptoms:
Swollen Feet - just this weekend. If I stand or walk too much, they will balloon up. The past two days, they've actually stayed normal. Last night, I was telling Bryan, "Look at my beautiful skinny ankles!" I can't wait to have skinny ankles all the time again. Never again will I take my skinny ankles for granted!

Repeat Meals - I have had three spaghetti lunch or dinners over the past three days. Sunday and Monday, I made fajitas - exactly the same way. I think it's partly the ease of making it, but I also enjoy eating the same thing if I enjoyed it the first time. Sadly, poor Bryan does not. He's stocked up on pizza, so he can avoid my meal repeats.

Cuddly - I just want to be touched and cuddled and pet all the time. Most of the time, I have to tell Bryan, dude, stop petting my hair! But lately, I'm like, pet my hair, rub my back, kiss me, come spoon me. I just love feeling touched right now. I don't know if it's purely physical or if it's psychological (as in, I'm subconsciously nevous that his love won't be able to be shared between me and the new guy).

Doctor's Appointment: Tomorrow. I'm most anxious to hear what she says about my gain. 27 pounds doesn't seem that much to me! I'm aiming for under 35, and I think I can do it. I also want to know if my blood pressure is still good and that my swelling is under control.

Movement: I can feel body parts. I know that he's still head down because when he moves his feet, I can feet a slight adjustment in my pelvis of his head. I can feel his spine, his butt (my favorite part to feel stick out), his legs and his arms. I haven't felt a foot or a hand specifically, but I think that's coming soon.

At night, we'll watch tv and I can count on him to tell me when it's 10:15 because that's when he moves. We will just hold our hands on my stomach and feel him move. It's really cute because if Bryan talks, the baby will move to whatever side Bryan is on and stick his legs out. Baby doesn't kick me, but if Bryan is talking and puts his hand on my stomach, the baby will kick Bryan. It's really cute.

Gender: Still a boy. We're back to wanting to name him my original name. I really like this name because we know two great guys who are named this, and we'd like to think he'll grow up to be as awesome as them. Also, our waitress at the steakhouse thinks it's a better name than our other top choice.

Choice #1 is a solid, traditional name. Choice #2 is a fancy, strong name. I just don't know. I think I like the first name best; it was my first instinct after Braden (which is not happening). I think if he looks like me or is really fat when he's born, he'll be a Choice #1. If he has a lot of hair and is fashionably weighted (6-7 pounds), he'll be a Choice #2. WHY IS NAMING A PERSON SO HARD?!

Best Moment of the Week: goofing around in IKEA. We ate breakfast there before shopping, and the whole three hours we were there was a lot of fun. It reminds me of our first year of marriage because we would go all the time. Just making jokes, pretending we could design a house, picking out rooms for now, picking out living rooms for when we have teenagers, picking out rooms for when we're old people. And then it's fun to look at all the cheap housewares and baby toys.

What I'm Looking Forward To: my appointment tomorrow. The suspense is killing me!

What I've Learned This Week: Lots! But the most cool was about Christopher Columbus. Back in 1492, when he sailed the ocean blue, he was looking for black pepper in India. Well, he never found it because he didn't land in India. He did find something awesome: red veggies that we call chile peppers. He called them peppers because he didn't want to disappoint his sugar mama The Queen. He was like, "I couldn't find black pepper, but I found this more awesome red pepper!" That sly explorer.

Tummy Woe Tuesday

My stomach hurts today. Not in like a I'm-pregnant way, but a tummy ache way. I don't know what I ate or why it's hurting, but I'm not feeling well at all.

Which is a shame because I'm wearing a cute maxi dress and the only thing I bought for myself at the outlets: a cute short-sleeved cardigan from JCrew.

And pulled half my hair back in a braid.

I also forgot my phone at home. Annoying. I'll pick it up at lunch, but it would have been nice to remember everything when I left for work this morning.

This afternoon, I should be caught up on all my work, so I will have time to re-organize my drawers so during my maternity leave, my assistant can find everything. I also want to frame my giant Great Wall silk art with the awesome frame I got from IKEA.

Today, I'm working with all ladies. And as soon as I mentioned that I wasn't feeling well, they all "aww"ed and asked if they could run and get me something or if I think I should go home. So sweet. I love working with women. I'm going to see how I feel around lunch before I decide to give up on the work day.

I have been eating so well, but I'm probably consuming too much acid. I basically ate a lime and a lemon by adding them to my water and sucking the rest from the fruit. Maybe that's the culprit?

My Dallas Weekend

This weekend has a long time comin'.

We drove right after work to Dallas, stopping at the Rib Crib for some delicious barbecue. We pulled up to our swanky hotel.

We went to bed feeling fancy in our room and ordered room service for breakfast. Well, not that fancy because we split one breakfast between us.

The next day, I had a knife skills class. Baller!

We had sushi for lunch. Don't murder me: I had shrimp tempura. And lots of edamame.

We shopped at a gigantic mall (four floors and an ice skating rink). Where I decided to chop off all my hair. So fun!

Then we went to our date night cooking class. And learned how to be fancy.

And not cook raw scallops. Even Gordon Ramsey would be impressed.

The next day, we woke up and went straight for IKEA, our favorite furniture store. We had fun playing house and thinking about redesigning kitchens and all the things we "need" but can't fit in our little car.

We hit the outlets, so we could shop for great deals on nice clothes. Bryan stocked up on professor shirts for the fall. I got Brooke some cute things from JCrew for her birthday. And of course, a few things for the baby. Most of the time, I was wishing I was back to my size 4 and could buy up everything. Le sigh.

The drive back was nice. We enjoyed talking about philosophy and recycling and prayer and the baby and the fall semester. I like road trips with Bryan. He really is an awesome companion.

We spent the remainder of the weekend sleeping for 11 hours at a time (we still got it!), chopping veggies with our new knives and new skills, napping, watching all the tv we missed, napping some more. And making some creme brulee.

We do our weekends right.

When life is tainted with death

Cancer is awful.

I don't think there's anyone out there who thinks cancer is a good thing. Whether you have family or friends who have struggled, fought, beat or lost a battle to cancer, you know: cancer is awful.

I've written before about my mother in law's battle with cancer, and it's awful. It's awful to think about it. It's awful to avoid thinking about it. It's awful to hear her talk about it. It's awful when she doesn't talk about it. It's the lingering, overcast subtext that infects everything.

When we found out that her cancer was back, we truly did not think that we would have her for that Christmas. Thankfully, we did. And it was a very sweet Christmas. We spent so much time with her, and we got to share that I was pregnant and that she was expecting her first grandchild. It was a really sweet moment.

Throughout the treatments, the medications and the pain, she's been so strong. We haven't been able to visit much with our crazy schedules, but we call weekly and we send care packages to remind her that we love her and we're thinking about her.

I don't know that writing my heart on the internet is the most useful way to deal with all the emotions I'm feeling about her cancer. I read a lot of cancer message boards, and I shouldn't because for every happy post, there are twelve sad posts.

We received news two weeks ago that the scans weren't showing the decrease that the doctor wanted. That the medications and treatments and chemo wasn't working. It's never easy hearing that news, but it's not hearing it that breaks my heart: it's thinking about how she must be feeling having to tell her son, how she must have felt when she heard the news herself. That is heart-breaking. That is awful.

Last week, she began a trial medication. It's actually quite cool: a cancer vaccine where they use her body to fight her own cancer. But it's a trial. And from what the doctors say, she has a 1 in 5 chance of success. And from what I've gathered, she doesn't have great odds if they're moving away from traditional cancer treatments to trial treatment.

I hate that we can't be there to stop by with dinner or flowers or hugs and sit with her, hold her hand, watch tv with her, bring her water or a blanket or whatever she needs. I hate that.

Cancer is awful.

It's scary. And it's sad. Her favorite thing to talk about is the baby. How he's doing. When he's moving. His heart rate. Whether he'll look like Bryan. If he'll like ice cream.

I sent her my only picture of his profile from the ultrasound in the last package. He's her inspiration, she says. She wants to meet him so badly.

My greatest fear is that she won't. With 7 weeks until my due date, it seems like a very reasonable goal. It seems like she will meet him and love him and everything will be beautiful.

We heard that she may not be up for the trip, driving nor flying, in August. That we need to keep it in mind that it may not happen. Which means that I need to find out how early I can get my baby on a flight to South Carolina to meet her. Which is absolutely nuts.

Cancer is awful.