Ramblings.

The weather has been as gloomy as the empty library I work in. It's so quiet without the students.

I need to clean my house. And pick a shade of gray for our living room paint color.

I weigh the same weight I was when I married Bryan two and a half years ago.

Mark Twain's autobiography is this summer's Atlas Shrugged: huge, smarty pants and engrossing.

Oh, and I was accepted to graduate school.

Healthy Livin'

I finished my cleanse last week (just in time to travel to see my inlaws) without cheating. Well, I had eight chips...but it was on the last day! I lost four pounds in one week. And then I went away on the trip and enjoyed Chickfila breakfast biscuits, PF Changs fried rice and beer with friends. It was fabulous, especially after having avoided all the treats I wanted.

Now I'm adding exercise back to my life and consuming more like 1200 calories instead of 900. I've run every morning before work this week - go me! Today, I ran hills and it was the hardest run I've run ever. My legs were burning like they were on fire! But I did it. And I'm wearing shorts to work to prove it. Booyah.

Things I Want Right Now

5 o'clock
my steak dinner
another visit to South Carolina
a shopping spree (I want this dress, this cardigan, this skirt and these shoes)
a glass of wine
to be home hanging out with Bryan

Celebrate my Sister Brooke

Today, my sister (through Bryan) graduates Clemson. I have a sweet spot in my heart for Brooke. She was 16 when I first met her, and I liked her right away. We're only two years apart, and we share a lot of the same likes getting Bryan to buy our tickets for the movies, eating chocolatey desserts, buying very tall shoes, making boys look and signing our last name Buckley. Now, she will join the club of Clemson graduates.

Brooke is phenomenal. She is really sweet, and she has welcomed me with open arms to the Buckley family. She's my go-to girl about who's who, why's that and where's a cute cardigan I can borrow. And, what's more, she followed Bryan and I into comedy improv and has made a star of herself on Mock Turtle Soup. Even cooler, she's taken the ads of Mock Turtle Soup and made incredible designs. You can't beat an artist!

Really, I am celebrating her success at Clemson in the art program. She's graduating with an Art Degree with a focus on Photography, and before you go all poo-hooing on artists, she's been accepted and will be starting the Digital Production Arts Program at Clemson this fall. Soon, you'll see her name as one of the artists on a Pixar film.

Here's some of my favorite art by Brooke:
Clemson game, fall 2010

Grandma's chicken, Kentucky, June 2010

2009

Juno, 2008
Brackett Hall, 2010

Cooper Library, 2010
2010

Cooper Library, 2010

Meredith Hope, 2010

Congrats, sister! I love you!

Lady Gets Scared

Something scary happened. It's over, and it's not scary anymore, and I wouldn't blog about it except that I already blogged about it and said it was nothing to be scared of. In fact, I promoted it, I raved about it, and I loved it.
Let's talk about my IUD. Bryan and I made a formal decision to not have children for awhile. We'd been successful in not having children for four years at the time, and we wanted to use our insurance money for something less of a hassle than a pill, and we knew we didn't want kids anytime soon.

So I got the IUD. A month later, I had to have the doctor adjust it because it fell out of place. And then I got to thinking about moving to Oklahoma, and we had a busy summer of visiting friends and traveling for two months. Then we moved to Oklahoma and all of that happened, and I forgot about my little copper T-shaped baby-preventer.

Well, I shouldn't have. I saw a doctor two weeks ago for a regular check-up, and again, my cervix has expelled the IUD. She asks if I noticed anything different, and I hadn't. She says she can't tell how long it's been out of place, but that it was definitely out of place and definitely not effective. Crap.

So there goes my security in my "awesome" birth control. According to my doctor, my cervix is unusually small (so is my whole body, lady!) and that my lack of birthing children means it is difficult for the IUD to remain in place. Great. There goes that.

Well, my doctor sent me over to the hospital to get an ultrasound and gave me a pregnancy test. I was going back to the doctor the next day to have the IUD removed and to learn the results of the test. What day was this? Oh, the day before my 5 year anniversary with Bryan. So I wake up on our anniversary and spend the day not knowing if I'm pregnant or if we're still just us for a few years. Bryan is calm, and he tells me that no matter what we'll be fine, that we'll be happy. We eat a very serious lunch that day, talking about what we would do if we learned we were about to be parents, what we would do if we weren't.

Two hours before my anniversary dinner, I see my doctor for the last appointment of the day. I'm freaking out. She tells me again that I have a tiny cervix and that I'm not pregnant. Whew! I just felt a huge pressure lifted off of me. I don't remember much of what the doctor said, but she handed me a prescription for The Pill and a free pack to get started now.

Pregnancy avoided. Thank the lordy lord! We will not have a baby Buckley joining us anytime soon. I'm back on The Pill. I expect some mood swings, some weight gain and a libido increase (watch out). But I won't be expecting a child, so I'm okay with all of this.

I felt like I had to share my story with you ladies since I had so positively reviewed it. I really think it's a good idea, but if you have a small cervix or have not had children, it might not be the best form of birth control for you. Again, talk to your doctor, read as much as you can about it. It didn't work for me. Please feel free to email me if you don't feel comfortable asking questions here.

Cleanse.

My friend Natasha and I are doing a four day Cleanse. We had a rough finals week eating pizza, soda, french fries, crazy bread, Red Bull, popcorn, donuts and brownies, you know, for the students. We felt for them.

I'm always a fan of fitness in the summertime. It's nice outside, and nothing is better than sweating off some winter holiday cake pounds. I wanted to jump start my new summer healthy routine with something big because after eating five donuts (yes), I didn't want to even think about spinach or bananas or water. So we're doing the obvious choice: eating nothing but raw foods.

Four days of raw food. I can eat anything as long as it was not processed.

Breakfast: fruit (as much as I want)
Lunch: salad with as much fruit and vegetables as I want (no dressing)
Dinner: brown rice with spicy garlic vegetables

So far, so good. I gave away my banana snack to Natasha who was even more starving than I was. I regretted it two hours later when my own stomach started yelling. We also survived Pancake Day at the library without partaking in any of the pancakes, bacon or homemade biscuits! Just three more days of this. I already feel better, and I dropped two pounds from Friday thanks to my donut-avoidance. Bikini, here I come!

painting the roses green

Guess who started a garden? No, not Eve. Not my friend Moonbeam. Me!

Last summer, I killed the garden that came with our house. Within two months. I'll blame it on the hot Oklahoma heat and all the unpacking.

This summer, I'm in need of a new hobby because (for the first time) we aren't moving. Here's what the garden looked like before I got to it.



Notice all the weeds and last year's vines and all that untouched dirt. Under all that, I found big rocks, styrofoam pieces, and root systems that looked like a Wendy Williams wig. I yanked out all of the weeds and big pieces of trash. Good thing I bought a sweet pack of gardening tools from Lowe's. One was a tiny rake. I like to say I was on my knees ho-in' out back.

After an hour of ho-in', the soil was ready. I wanted the soil to be really nutritious, so I threw in an old tomato and the top of my green onions (my father-in-law said I should have waited for them to decompose a little...whoops). Then I planted. Check it out.





I planted some strawberries, onions, green peppers, hot banana peppers, and some crook neck squash. I hope they produce soon! I'm not sure how good I'll be at gardening, but I am already proud of my work. I felt so Oklahoma digging in the dirt, planting green sprouts and wiping sweat off my brow.

It's gonna be a good summer. A hard, challenging summer with hopefully a very bountiful fall.

Achievement ala Ayn Rand

A desire presupposes the possibility of action to achieve it; action presupposes a goal which is worth achieving.

Achievement of your happiness is the only moral purpose of your life, and that happiness, not pain or mindless self-indulgence, is the proof of your moral integrity, since it is the proof and the result of your loyalty to the achievement of your values.

Every man builds his world in his own image. He has the power to choose, but no power to escape the necessity of choice.

Happiness is that state of consciousness which proceeds from the achievement of one's values.

Ayn Rand

Messy Lady Brain

My brain is in a kerfuffle. I'm certain of this: that I want a challenge and I'll be in Oklahoma for another two years. Things I thought aren't things I think anymore. Things I crossed off my "Want To Do" list are somehow appearing back on the list. Things that were good ideas are actually slowly becoming not so great ideas.

Without going into too much detail, I wanted to express my confusion with my current place in life. I've been talking with Bryan a lot lately about this, and we haven't yet decided what's going to be best. I need to dump my brain somewhere public, and I sure won't share with facebook. I've only got like ten readers, and I don't mind laying it out there for you loves.

My job fluctuates between being very fun and bringing me to tears. I work in a library, and I love being surrounded by books, seeing the new titles coming in, finding interesting titles as they come across my desk, talking to fellow readers and helping students with papers. I also really enjoy being a boss and mentor for my student staff...and telling the them what to do. But, the actual daily tasks are mind-numbing. The job requires a BA, but I do not feel challenged. I could finish all my work in a few hours, and I did earlier until I realized that if I did all my work, I would get assigned other coworkers' work. So, as I have with any culture, I assimilated to a very slow work process, and it's frustrating. If I do anything but, I look like an overachiever, a stand out from my department. The drama in the library is unbelievable at the moment. The director of the library is leaving due to the university administration pushing her out. The position is open, and the fight for her position is on. There are whispers in every corner of the library, and the political lunches have spiked. I'm out of my element. And I'm coming home in tears.

What's more is that my town is so small, about 12,00 people in the whole town. My job opportunities are with the university, WalMart or one of the Ma & Pop restaurants. And I went to college so I wouldn't have to work those hourly positions. I worked my ass off in college graduating a four year BA program in only three years all while holding down three jobs at a time all of different types of terrible jobs like Subway, Great Clips, Linens N Things, Target, Res Life desk assistant, bookstore staff, alumni phonathon caller, library assistant, and babysitter. I earned that degree so I could work a good 9-5 job with a salary, with benefits, with an office. I've got a 7-4 job with benefits and a student staff, so in that regard, I've done it. But it's not a job that makes me think. I like thinking! I like thinking hard. I like thinking fast. I like thinking about important things. I suppose I think of myself as an intellectual, as a lady with a good brain. And my job isn't using me and my potential. My job is using me as a body, as a functional being - nothing extraordinary.

I've tried applying for jobs elsewhere on campus, and though the employee handbook encourages upward mobility on campus or cross-transfers to a department with a better fit, I've found no luck. I've applied for Admissions Counselor positions, for an International Recruiter position, for a Campus Organization Staff position, hell, I even applied for the Assistant to the Marketing Director position because I thought even being someone's assistant might be more of a challenge than this! I talked to HR about this, and the underlying message was that the library was a good fit for me and for the library and she wouldn't consider me for any available on campus positions unless the position was a "significant" upward move. But basically, it wouldn't happen. So I'm stuck in this job.

Or am I?

I crossed grad school off my "Want To Do" list in high school. I wanted my college degree, my sweet entry level job with benefits, and I wanted to do it forever. And when I went to college, I was set to graduate in three years with a degree in my favorite thing: reading, talking about it and writing about it. So I did. And then, I got the offer to move to Chapel Hill to teach comedy (Thanks, Zach Ward), and life was perfect. I had a sweet job as Marketing Director making logos, using my brain, writing proposals and templates, and I was doing comedy: performing, writing, teaching. I was happy, and I had everything: a sweet job, a sweet comedy gig and a sweet fiance.

And then my fiance became my husband and then my husband graduated and then my husband got a job, all within about six months. And before I knew it, my life was unbelievably different. I loved Bryan (still do, fyi), and part of being Bryan's wife was picking up and going with him to Philadelphia, so he could work his first kick-ass professor job. And I was pumped! Bryan was about to jump several digits in his salary, we were going to be in a big city, and my marriage was finally seeming to be "real." And then the reality set in: I had to say goodbye to the little life I'd created for myself in Chapel Hill, my friends, my job, my DSI, my routine.

Before we moved to Philadelphia, I had landed a position as a private English tutor and American ambassador to a Swiss woman who was visiting the US. It was a three-month position, and it paid great for little time commitment. I did it; it was fun until it wasn't, and then it was over. A few months passed before I got the job working in admissions. That job was great but temporary. When it ended, I volunteered to get experience and to have something to do. We knew we were moving, so I didn't even look for another job.

And then we moved to Oklahoma. Before we got out here, I interviewed via Skype and was offered this position at the library. It sounded great, but the first four months at the job were terrible. I was coming home in tears at least once a week. Now, I've found a somewhat awkward groove in the job, but it's still not what I was hoping for, even a year later. I'm unsatisfied, unchallenged and under-appreciated. None of those are good qualities for an employee, especially one who is so young and ready to be working.

So where does that leave me? I've considered just sticking with this job for the next two years, just dealing with it, but that idea scares me. One, I'm not sure how my work ethic will be after two years of purposeful slacking. Two, these years are my prime years for developing my career. My mother always tells me to take jobs that will get me where I want to go, where I want to be when I'm 45 and still looking at another 25 years in the workplace. It took her nearly 15 years to figure out that she wanted to be an accountant, and now she is and she loves it, and she'll keep at it until she retires. I'm not there.

I have so many things that I think would be fun, would be great careers, and I have to figure out what I want most, what will make me happy. And it's the toughest part because no one, not my mother, not Bryan, not even you my readers, no one besides me can tell me what I want most. I have to own up, evaluate myself, and decide what I want to do with my life.

I've proven to myself, time and time again, that when I know what I want, I can get it. I wanted to graduate in three years. I did. I wanted to go to a good college out of state. I did (woot! Clemson!). I wanted to major in English. I did. I wanted to find an awesome guy in college. I did. I wanted to never stop improvising. I did (so far). And the realization I've made from all of these goals and achievements is that I haven't made a new long-term goal for myself in years. My goal making began in high school and besides "Get a Job," I haven't set out to achieve anything. And that's embarrassing. How could I let myself be forgotten?

I've been focusing so much on how to deal with what I've got in the present, whether it was back when I was engaged, just focusing on the wedding or now, when I'm focusing on how to survive in this (still new) place. The last three years have been the most tumultuous years of my life, never planting anywhere for very long. Where is the me I used to be?

I believe I'm still capable of greatness, still that same me. I'm not blaming anyone but myself. I've let circumstance and external forces affect the way I'm taking on life. I've chosen not to think forward. I'm responsible for the me I am in my frustrating job, in my defeated state.

But there's freedom in admitting responsibility. Because I'm the only one responsible for my future. I can defeat this lethargy. My favorite quote of all time is from (you guessed it) Ayn Rand. She says:

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists.. it is real.. it is possible.. it's yours."

I can't help but think it's not over. I have yet to conquer Oklahoma or my future. My life, my world can be won. I will win it for myself, to prove once again that I can set a goal and achieve it. That I am not a hopeless swap. That I have not yet peaked. That I will be great, that I will do great, that I am great.

photos by the fabulous artist Fiorela Larrea

Lady Makes Pizza

Last night, I made one of Bryan's favorite dinners: homemade pizza. I stole the recipe from AllRecipes.com

It's super easy. You'll need one chicken breast (cooked), half a green pepper slice, enough red onion to fit your liking, some BBQ sauce (ours was from another economist's line of BBQ sauce) and some pizza dough. Roll the dough, cook it for 3 minutes, add the BBQ sauce, top with toppings, sprinkle lightly with cheese (this pizza is more about the toppings than the cheese). Viola! Done!

Unless...your homemade Jiffy Pop pizza dough doesn't turn into dough after you mix it with hot water and let it sit. Too bad that you followed all the directions correctly, your dough still looks like cake batter. I searched online, and NOTHING helped. Apparently, no one else has ever had this problem of runny pizza dough. What the heck!?

Bryan had to run to give his exam, so he didn't even get to eat any pizza! I was determined that the dough would eventually be my bitch yummy dinner. I let it sit for an hour. I stirred it. I let it sit for another hour. I ate a mini bag of Cheetos. I stirred it some more. Finally, I covered the counter with flour (probably a full cup) and dumped the watery "dough" onto it. After another cup of flour and a good twenty minutes of what I (probably couldn't) call kneading, I had something like dough. I threw it in the oven, and after baking for 3 minutes, it resembled dough. Whew! By 8:30pm, I had myself a full pizza. Which was great because Bryan came home at 8:45 and got to enjoy the scrumptious BBQ Chicken Pizza.

Jiffy Pop, we aren't friends anymore. I'm returning to Pillsbury refrigerated pizza dough. So eat that!
Side note: it was delicious. I highly recommend this "easy" week night dinner.