Ahhhhh

It's 3am. I'm the only one awake, Bradley's half awake, Bryan's asleep-ish (after waking when I walked into the door to get Bradley), Brooke's asleep in the guest bedroom and my parents are asleep on the couches in the living room.

Today's a big day.

Bryan has his first day of class. Brooke flies home. And I have my first non prenatal massage.

It's the first day we attempt to leave the house at 8am.

So of course Bradley had the hardest time going to bed. He wouldn't sleep - and it was Brooke's last night, so we let him stay up until 10:45. He ate and went down. Screaming.

My dad wanted to rock him. Asleep. Then screaming. I nursed again. Asleep. Then screaming. Bryan cuddled him - and he was super alert. So they hung out, then put him to sleep. Then screaming.

Finally, one more nursing plus a good swaddle and turning off the a/c, he went to sleep and stayed asleep...at 12:30.

So I'm quite exhausted. Already.

And the next feeding is the big one, where I will attempt to start the day from (for the first time, instead of 8 or 10am). Brooke will hold him, mom will make breakfast, Bryan will get ready for his first day and maybe I'll get another nap.

If we leave the house at 8am or before (like the plan), I will be so impressed I'll eat a unicorn.

Family visits

We have aunt Brooke here, and it's been so fun. She loves holding Bradley and watching Dr. Who with Bryan.

This morning we pick up my parents. I can't wait for my dad to see little Bradley for the first time, and I can't wait for my mom to see him again and tel me how he's changed ( I can't see any changes really).

Last night was a crying nightmare from 8-2am. I'm not sure if his little tummy hated the pizza I ate or if he was just having a rough night. What's terrible us tgat I think all the company stresses him out. He did this when bryans parents were here too. We might be in for a rough week.

Monday

Well, Aunt Brooke was supposed to be here already but because Delta sucks - and there aren't many flights to Tulsa - she wont get here until tomorrow morning. Sad face.

Bradley had another great night. He started it out with a four hour stretch from 12 to 4am. It was glorious.

He's been awake lots today, and even peed on Bryan which I find hilarious.

We went grocery shipping without a list for the first time in three years (oh, the first year of marriage). We spent an hour wandering around, forgetting things and going back for them, laughing deliriously at tiny pepperonis, being sure to pose with our baby any time someone tried peeking and the accepting all the oohs and Ahhhs as personal validation of our genetics. It was stupid, and we bought ridiculous things like chocolate chip cookies and cinnamon rolls.

Bath time is still a nightmare until we get to shampooing his head.

I am still very tired but I am finding a routine...one that I need to post before things change too much and I can't remember.

Baby

He's been so different today! He slept for two 3-3.5 hour stretches last night and was awake for two 2 hour stretches today.

I think he's growing up! I love today.

brain dump

I am so tired. So tired. Every two hours, I'm awake feeding the baby.

I can't think of snack ideas let alone meals. We are surviving on peanut butter sandwiches, spaghetti, sun chips and takeout.

I can't figure out if my son likes being swaddled or hates it. It feels like he's changing his mind hourly (sounds like me).

I'm reading all sorts of books. They say babies should sleep in 68-72 degree rooms. That sounds freezing to me. They also say his cord should fall off between 1-2 weeks, and it still hasn't.

Today, I went to campus to welcome all my recruits - the biggest cohort of International students in university history. *brush shoulders off*

My rings fit again! And they're even a little loose like before I was pregnant. Thank goodness.

Improv starts up tomorrow. I'm not sure if I'm going. Bryan is. And I'm debating. No one wants a baby at a college improv rehearsal.

I had my first half glass of wine. It was glorious. I bought the bottle the day before I took the pregnancy test, and it's been "aged" on my counter for 9 months. I felt buzzed on just half a glass, and it was so delicious. Taking it lightly, and I'm not drinking more than that or more than two or three times a week since Bradley is so little.

And I'm still laughing. Bryan is still laughing, we are surviving. And still kissing. Whew.

my day with Bradley

Today is my first day completely alone with Bradley. I woke for his 8:15 feeding, and Bryan got up too. And it slipped my mind that today was the day: Opening Meeting day.

He's got the big University Opening Meeting which I've been to twice already. This is my first time missing it! Then his college meeting over lunch, then department meeting after. He won't be home until 4. It's a full day at home! 8:30-4. Let's see how it goes.

So far, I've wrapped Bradley in the moby. Which I love already. Ate cereal, yogurt, vitamins and apple juice. Brushed my teeth.

What else will we do? I have no idea! Obviously feed and change Bradley. I'll have to figure out lunch for myself. But what else? Photo shoot? Baby fashion show? Marathon of Tabatha's Salon Takeover? Order stuff online? Go for a walk? Play Settlers of Catan with baby? Put him in a bucket and take pictures?

I feel like I need supervision. Let's see how today goes. Ah!! Someone left me alone with a baby!

Two Weeks (the long version)

Wow. Two weeks ago (almost exactly), I gave birth to little Bradley.

It's been a crazy two weeks that both feels like forever and just yesterday. I'm not sure what to post.

the first day
Bradley was born at 3:46pm on Thursday, July 26. Before he arrived, I was totally scared. I was in tears, and I was amazed at how quickly things went from being not time to it's time. Bryan stayed with me the whole time - surviving on the cookies we brought for the nurses.

I remember when the nurses said we were going to have a baby. It didn't feel real. When they brought him to me to kiss him, I didn't even believe that he was mine. He had all this hair! And he was so tiny! But so big for what I had imagined was living inside of me.

Bryan actually has the moment when they brought him from the nursery to me on video, and it is seriously the sweetest thing. I am crying, and I just immediately started kissing him.

It still didn't seem real. This baby didn't look like me or Bryan, in my opinion. But clearly, he was ours. He was the only boy born in the hospital that day. He was ours. We had friends bring us dinner: chicken noodle soup with enough servings for two meals which I promptly ate up in one sitting. I was starving.

I didn't want to put the baby down. I tried really hard to share Bradley with Bryan because I knew he really loved the little guy, but I couldn't stop staring at him, kissing his cheeks, holding his tiny hands. I didn't immediately feel love, but I felt adoration. I felt like this little guy was special. And everyone kept telling me he was mine.

We skyped both sets of parents - who had been waiting for hours for a call or text, but we were a little pre-occupied.

the hospital
I loved being in the hospital. I loved the nurses. I loved the privacy. I loved my bed (I used it to sit up....it was so cool). I loved being able to push a button and having someone bring me water, bring me medicine, bring me a knowledgeable nurse to help with nursing my son.

I cried a lot. I cried because I was so happy. I cried because I was so scared. I cried because our son was so cute. I cried because he wouldn't latch properly. I cried because he had to get his heel pricked. I cried because the nurses took him away for a bath. I cried from the pain. Poor Bryan had to watch all of this go down - surviving on cookies for fear of leaving me alone.

coming home
When the nurses said we could go home - and take the baby with us - I cried. I was so so happy. The paperwork took forever. The shots took forever. But finally, they released us. The ride home was so sweet. I sat in the back seat looking over at Bradley, looking up at Bryan and thinking, this is the beginning of our next chapter. This is Chapter 5: Parenthood.

 We went home, put the car seat on the floor and said, what now? I can't remember what we did next. I'm sure we sat on the couch. I'm not sure if we ate, if we watched all the tv we missed in the hospital, if we napped, if we just looked at Bradley. But it didn't matter: we were home. We were where we belonged.

And then shit hit the fan. For two days, it was just the three of us. And of course, all the nursing problems emerged. In the hospital, he was latching great (thank you, nurses!) and eating on schedule and when he didn't wake to eat, the nurses helped wake him. Well, on our own, we struggled. Bradley didn't wake to eat. He was clearly starving by the time we got him to eat (we could hear his empty stomach filling). He would be so frustrated that he'd scream and scream. Or he'd eat just a little and pass out. We called the hospital, we called the lactation help line. We tried everything. It was awful.

And then, all of a sudden, he decided to wake in the middle of the night to eat. He started screaming for food. He was eating! And regularly! And wakefully! It was insane. And immediately, I felt better and stopped crying as much. And, we saw the pediatrician who told us to keep making him eat (because he'd dropped a lot of weight) and from Tuesday to Thursday, he gained three ounces. Whew.

the first week
It was crazy. The Thursday-Sunday in the hospital was wonderful. Stressful and full of tears and learning, but we had support. We had all the nurses, the pediatrician and my midwife. It was easier with all their help.

Sunday to Tuesday was a nightmare. He wouldn't eat, so I cried. He wouldn't wake, so I cried. He screamed and couldn't be consoled, so I cried. Bryan and I worried that there was something wrong with our baby. Why didn't he wake up in the middle of the night? Why didn't he eat?

Tuesday afternoon, actually at the pediatrician, Bradley nursed in the exam room, and from then, he was eating. And screaming to eat. And regularly. And waking in the middle of the night to eat. It was night and day from the day before. My mom was also in town. I'm not sure if the extra support helped relax me which in turn relaxed Bradley, but it was wonderful.

My mom cleaned everything: all the parts of the house I'd forgotten or was too big previously to clean. My mom cooked us delicious meals - and extras for the freezer (we had some last night, so wonderful). My mom went shopping, she organized my pantry, she made room for all the bottles we were stashing wherever we found room, she did laundry, she made lists, she helped hold Bradley so we could sleep.

 Bradley was doing so much better. We were doing so much better. And when Thursday hit, we felt like we had reached our first success: one week with a baby, still alive, still happy and still kissing each other.

the second week
My mom left that Friday, and I was sad to see her leave. She was an incredible help and a wonderful encouragement. She kept saying, "You guys are doing great!" and "You're the mom, you should decide." I mean, I couldn't have ever expected her to be so supportive, so encouraging, but it was exactly what we needed to propel us to the next week.

We had about 24 hours to ourselves before Bryan's parents came. Of course, we went shopping, so Bradley had his first trip to the mall where Bryan's mom bought him cute outfits and an adorable hoodie for Clemson's homecoming (and MTS reunion).

He was eating so much better, so I felt confident taking our baby out for an entire day. We changed his diaper in the bathroom at Firehouse, Babies R Us and Macy's. I fed him in the lounge at Macy's and in the mother's room at Babies R Us. He did so great in the car - sleeping the whole way. He even really enjoyed the mall, looking around at everything. It was definitely the most stimulating experience he's had.

It was so sweet to see Bryan's mom hold Bradley. Her attitude and health have been much better since they switched her to a new experimental drug, and it was wonderful to see her hold Bradley, talk to him and just come full circle from where we were in October. This baby means more than he'll ever know. She just loved him, loved touching him, and she always wanted to hold him (which we all know is hard for me to share him, but I did, as often as possible).

She sat with me when I nursed him, and she told me stories of when Bryan was that little. She talked about all the things she hoped Bradley would do someday. She even popped in at 3am when I was feeding Bradley in a dreamlike state, and I'll never forget seeing her cute, bald head poke around the doorframe to ask if she could come in and sit with us. It was truly wonderful having her and Bryan's dad in town, even if it was a short trip.

They left on Tuesday evening, and so we've had almost two days to ourselves. It's much better than the first two days we had to ourselves. We're more confident, and we've got a baby that eats now. We laugh a lot more, and we've got a few routines going. It's so much better than last week. Each day is better and better. We even have a bedtime/wakeup routine where we put him down after whatever feeding comes after 10pm and we keep him in his crib until whatever feeding comes at 8am or later. Then we put him in his bouncer and bring him to our room with the light on so we can all keep sleeping - and we've been sleeping until 11 or 12. So we sleep pretty much most of the day, but there's those diaper and feeding (and sheet changing if he pees through the diaper) interruptions which really cut into your sleep enjoyment.

We are getting better at diaper changing, better at baths and better at laughing over the silly parts of parenting. Like when he poops into a clean diaper seconds after it's been put on. Like when the bath is done and he poops in the tub and just looks up at us. Like when he pees on Bryan for the third time in a day. Like when he makes faces. Or when he grunts as he eats. Or grunts as he poops. Or puts his hands over his face like he has had enough of us.

Here's a picture of the little dude today:

 He's grown .25 inch in length, but his head circumference has grown a full inch! Geez.

Even though he's two weeks old today, today was his due date.

To be honest, I'm glad he came early. I was really tired of being pregnant, really scared for my (and his) health and really ready to meet him. We've been lucky to have the extra time since Bryan has been home 100% of the time. He has to start teaching for the fall semester next Thursday, but he will have had 3 full weeks to be home with us, and I have been so happy for that.

Two weeks has flown by - and taken forever. And like all the moms and grandmothers and random ladies at the mall say, cherish it. I'm trying my best to take as many pictures and videos and mental images as I can because I know my little dude won't ever be this little again.

Let's talk about me

38 weeks

1 week post baby

2 weeks post baby

 Despite feeling tired and sore, I feel pretty good. I feel more like myself than I have in weeks - maybe months.

Above, I'm wearing a hot new outfit I got at the mall on Monday - my first non-maternity outfit since January! I was so happy to be shopping back in regular lady stores like The Loft, and even though I'm avoiding pants for a little bit, I already feel more beautiful. I thought I felt good pregnant, well after not being pregnant, I think I prefer not being pregnant.

I'm thirsty all the time, and I'm hungry and I'm probably not eating as much as I should be, but I'm trying. And when my mom comes back into town, I will be! I feel like I'm doing a decent job at being a mom, better than I thought I would be. I'm nursing (which I wasn't sure if I would be). I'm waking for all the night cries (which I thought I'd want to share). I'm sure that Bradley recognizes my voice and hopefully soon, my face. I think I'm growing into my mother role, and I'm crying a lot less. Which is great for everyone.

ALL OF THIS HAS BEEN WRITTEN WHILE BRADLEY SLEEPS IN HIS BOUNCER NEXT TO THE COMPUTER AND BRYAN RAN TO THE UNIVERSITY TO ADD THE BEBE TO INSURANCE. ON A REAL COMPUTER!

More posts I'd like to write (eventually): what is the most difficult parts of a newborn/being a new parent, my birth story (if I feel brave enough), best foods to eat one handed.

family

Again, posting from my phone. Brain dump style. Is it Monday? I can't think.

Life is still crazy, but it's finally me and Bryan again. And the babe. Things are just better when it's just us. Calmer. Funnier. More comfortable.



Bryan's parents just left, and it was so nice to have them in town. It was sweet to see them with Bradley. I'll never forget last night at 3am when I'm feeding Bradley in my glider in the nursery when her cute head popped in the doorway just to see the baby a little more. She wanted to hold him all the time. It was so sweet.

Baby is doing so well. He's content and he finally has more clothes - dude was too small for all the 0-3 months, and I didn't have more than two newborn outfits (whoopsie).

We are doing well. Tired. Tired of hosting people. Tired of waking unexpectedly to newborn screams in the middle of the night. Tired of laundry. Tired.

I'm sore still, but I'm doing better. I'm losing weight like crazy, and I already fit back in my tiny XS dresses! I can't wait to fit into my jeans again. Breastfeeding is incredible for weight loss!

Thursday is the two week mark, and it's also Bradley's due date/40 weeks. I WILL sit down and update for sure.

I did a photoshoot with the baby. Bryan thought I was nuts, but I just wanted great shots while Bradley is so tiny. Yes, naked on a pillow. Yes, I'll take hundreds. And yes, I plan on mailing them to all our extended family.

Life is just us for a little bit. Aunt Brooke comes next, then my parents, then Aunt Michelle. Then we're on our own. Which I'm already looking forward to - normalcy, real life as a three person family.

And now, pictures from my phone:

life with Bradley

Once again, I'm posting from my phone. Life is on two to four hour intervals now.


My mom just left after being here for five days. When she arrived on Monday night, I was a mess. I was on the couch crying because my baby wouldn't eat and would wake to eat no matter what I did. I was tired, I was sad, I was frustrated and I just wanted him to eat.


When she left, we had spent the day out with the baby. He came with us to lunch, being so good and quiet. He came with us to shop, and he came with us to drop her at the airport. All while I fed him without any issues, changed him in the car and was so good.

It's been night and day since Monday.

Life is moving so quickly. Our baby smiles now. What? I tell Bryan all the time that I don't want him to grow up, I want him this little forever.


Tomorrow, Bryan's mom and dad come to visit. I can't imagine a more wonderful time for them to come. I can't wait for Bryan's mom to meet Bradley.


Also, Bradley is most alert at 10:30 at night, just like during the pregnancy. Which is adorable. And perfect because we enjoy staying up late and we've got a cutie to enjoy movies with. While we stare at this adorable kiddo we made.

Posts that I want to write: nursery, birth, controversial parenting choices, a day in out new life, best baby products (for an infant)

one week

I would love to do a real update today. Who knows if it will happen.

Instead, here's some cute baby pictures from my phone.