Brain dump.

These last seven weeks have been crazy. Full of holidays, travel, newborn sleepless nights and recovering from birth.

I might be baking my feelings. Or maybe I'm in control of them. Baking makes me feel accompanied. Something about taking various pantry items and turning them into something delicious, usually for breakfast (my favorite way to start the day) makes me feel happy. Since Clark has been born, I've baked muffins, cookies, sweet rolls, brownies, blondies, pies, more cookies, and bread. I can't stop myself. 

Clark is opposite of everything Bradley was at this age. It's kind of weird. They look similar occasionally, but Clark is longer, thinner and his face shape is more oval. Bradley was already chunkier, on his way to being my fat baby. Clark smiles all the time! How can this be? I thought babies were apathetic. Nope, just Bradley. Clark is a happy dude.

Bryan is back to work and life with two babies is hard! Especially on very little sleep. I've started drinking coffee for the first time in my life, and it has definitely made mornings easier.

Our house is so lovely. I find myself regularly just looking around and appreciating it. I love the big windows and all the sunshine they let in. I love the paint colors we picked. I love Bradley's little breakfast nook. I love our basement, separate from the kids things and all the hub bub of upstairs. I love my shower. I love the nursery. I love Bradley's Lego room. I feel so lucky to be living in this house, and I know we picked the right home for our family.

I joined the gym this week, and I surprised myself by actually running. Well, for a short bit. I either need a new sports bra or I need to double up. Ouch.

All the good tv shows are back: Thr Bachelor (hahahaha), Parks and Rec, Brooklyn 99, Modern Family, Love it or List it (now in North Carolina!), Broad City and Sister Wives. I love having new things to watch after the famine my DVR had over the holidays. 

What else? That's a good dump. I hope to write more regularly so it's not an obnoxious hodgepodge of thoughts like this post.

Um, hello. It's been awhile.

It's hard returning to something like this blog after being gone for so long. My last two posts were heavy. The last time I blogged was a very sad time for me.

So much has happened. An unbelievable amount of life has been smashed in the seven months between that last post and this one. 

First, my second son was born. My sweet little Clark Arthur who is already growing too long for all the newborn clothes. 

He's not as fat as Bradley was (at least in appearance), but he looks similar. While they look similar, they are opposites in every other way. Clark is satisfied all the time and only cries when he needs something. His top needs: being held, being changed and being fed. In that order. This baby wants to be held more than any I've ever met. He's adorable, and I just love him.

We bought a house. Yes. That American Dream moment. We had been saving since we moved here, living in a small two bedroom apartment, driving just one car and cutting back on spending. We were about a year and a half from having enough of a down payment for a house. We had plans to put little Clark in our room until June or July 2015. 

But, thanks to Bryan's sweet mom, we inherited exactly the amount we needed in September. Fueled by pregnancy hormones and a fuller savings account, we went house shopping. We saw five houses, fell in love with the first house and put in an offer that day.

Our sweet house is really perfect for us. Being stuck at home with this freezing Illinois winter has been pretty great because we are still in the honeymoon phase of our new home. The boys have their own bedrooms and we moved in just three weeks before Clark was born. So we had enough time to paint, in pack, decorate (ish) and do all the moving paperwork before we had Clark and settled. 

Bryan finished his first year at his new university and in the fall, taught three large sections of two different courses, the semester load he was hired originally a year ago to do. He has worked harder than I've ever seen him work, done better than I've ever seen him do and been the most happy about his job that I've seen him be. It has truly been an exceptional career year for Bryan, and I'm so proud of him. And grateful for this position because it has given me the opportunity to be with the boys while they are so young, lovable and sponge-y. 

Lastly, and the one thing I can't really write well about nor do I want to publicly. Bryan's mom passed. It was awful. It is awful. It will continue to be awful. She was the best mother in law I could've wished for, and I miss her. We all miss her. 

So I'm back. I'm ready to blog again. When I stopped, I had to refocus. I had to be with my family. I had to process. I had a lot going on. So I took my time and now I'm ready to share stories of my boys, of my cooking, of my travels and of my thoughts. Anything splattered around in my lady brain. 

The journey home

I found a nonstop flight to the small airport near Bryan's family. It was only 1 hour 40 minutes and it couldn't have been simpler.

Well....then they had a three hour delay, turning 1.5 hours in the airport into 4.5. 

We had a few great things:

-running through terminals "so fast!"

-coloring Olaf again and again 

-eating an entire hot dog and bun!

-drinking milk 

-snacking on grapes instead of m&ms!!

-dancing for all the other passengers lined up to board

And we had some disastrous things:

-FIVE FREAKING DIRTY DIAPERS (I had only 3 in my purse, but thankfully I shoved another 5 in Bryan's backpack "just in case")

-while I'm pouring Bradley's milk into his cup, he spills my whole orange soda on the floor and while I'm cleaning that up, starts eating the ice from the floor. I get it out of his mouth and keep a leaning and he gets another one in his mouth. By this point, I'm getting so many looks and strangers are telling Bradley, "yuck!" To try to help.

-while changing dirty diaper number 4, Bradley spills his entire FULL cup of milk all over himself, his mouth, his nose, his hair, his ear, the changing table and starts choking and has milk coming out of his nose. Scared him. And of course, I didn't pack a change of shirt so I patted it dry with paper towels.

Thankfully, he slept the entire flight there, passed out in the middle seat with his legs in my lap.

Now we made it. And now Bryan and Bradley are still sleeping. I'm tempted to go downstairs and be with the family, but for now, I will stay by my husbands side for when he wakes.

Rough day.

This morning, Bryan's mom passed. It has been an awful day. We are so sad. We have lost an incredible woman and mother and grandmother. We fly tomorrow to be with family for the ceremony.

All I can do is be grateful for my little family of three, the health of my mander family and those remaining in the buckleys.

Heavy hearts and lots of tears.

The tragic and the routine

Life has been pretty tragic lately. Bryan's mother who has been battling cancer for five years was placed in hospice care this week. We visited last weekend and stayed a week. We helped make the decision with Bryan's father. It was the single most difficult and best decision we've made for his mom. She is at the end of her life, and while this is not the mother in law I want to remember, this will forever scar my heart.

It has been very difficult for Bryan. Our distance from family is usually not a big issue, but in times of family distress, it would be good to be closer. We have made the trip down and back (12 hours each way) five times with a toddler. It is an awful road trip that pales in comparison to the agony of watching a mother fall further into her disease. She's scared, she's ready, she's upset, she's confused. It truly is awful.

And because Bryan's class begins Monday, we are back to our routine. So separate from the hospice routine. I wake before both Bryan and Bradley, laying in bed reading blogs and social media. I wake Bradley and we play before bouncing into wake Bryan. We all eat breakfast and then get on with our day. Bryan goes to work and we go to play and run errands. We all come together for dinner and bedtime and then it's silence and holding hands and trying to watch comedy on tv.

This is the tragedy of our year right now. I can't imagine anything worse.

Selfishness, disappointment and happiness

Selfishness

My birthday is in two weeks. I've had a few less than stellar birthdays over the last five years. It just always works out that unlucky way. This year, Bryan wanted to take me to Chicago to see shows and shop. I booked a gorgeous room with a view, found a babysitter and picked which shows I wanted to see. This was my present, and I was so excited about it!

Disappointment

And now a family thing has come up on the same weekend. Despite my weekend and non-refundable deposit, we have to go. I am so disappointed. I somewhat understand the importance of this family thing (inlaw thing), but I'm incredibly disappointed that A) my birthday weekend in Chicago is now cancelled and B) I now have to spend my birthday with my inlaws.

Happiness

In spite of all the recent "drama" we have had a huge milestone: Bryan finished his first (and very difficult) semester at his new university! After grades were entered, we all went for ice cream to celebrate. I'm so happy that Bryan is off for a month now, and we will see so much more of him!

Tonight we are going to a dinner hosted by Bryan's new boss for all the junior faculty and their families. This is like my favorite thing: being the arm candy at work events. We are bringing the little guy, too, so hopefully he cooperates. I'm packing a secret stash of pretzels and blueberries to use as bribes and pacifiers! Hahaha

Aaaaaaaaaand Friday, we are having our family pictures taken! I'm really excited. I asked my friends on Instagram which dress to go with, and there's an overwhelming majority for my white dress (which I wore in last year's family pictures). I do think I need to run to the mall to buy a colorful statement necklace, though! Bradley broke my favorite necklace last week at gymnastics (maybe I shouldn't throw him in the pit if he doesn't want to go...but that's another story), so I need a new one anyway!

And summer begins!

Bryan has had the toughest semester of his life, apart from that last semester before graduating with his doctorate degree. Three different classes, two of which were brand new to him, and the school was new with brilliant and perserverent students.

And it has finished!!!! Well, there's still two classes to grade and input those grades, but for the most part, he's done!

I'm so happy for him. He busted his ass this semester, and he nailed it! He really has proven himself at this new job and his new university. Moreover, his hard work has allowed me to continue to be the sole caretaker of our kid and pursue my non-office related dreams (which sometime include baking cookies and eating them warm from the oven). I'm grateful for Bryan, proud of him and so glad for him that the worst is behind him!

The summer class is one of his favorite classes to teach - and the real reason they hired him. He will teach 700+ students in two sections of this in the fall, so everything will be easier. It's a class he loves, has taught many times and will teach multiple sections of in a semester. No more three different classes! He did it!

So now begins our summer in which I let Bryan sleep in, in which we eat pizza, in which we watch movies, travel to Chicago, visit the local museum, go to the pool, hang out in pjs until too late in the day, and do whatever we want on no schedule in particular. 

It's a full month off for him, and I'm so excited! If I was working an office job (which for every other break, I was), I would be so jealous. Now I am so happy because it means a month of the three of us hanging out, playing, making memories and doing what we do best: leisure.

Bring. It. On.

My obedient one year old

In MY house, ain't no baby gonna run the show. 

Obviously, we make sure our baby gets a full nights sleep, a good nap, three meals and enough milk each day. 

One of my favorite accomplishments, much like my mother, in motherhood is raising a contentious, obedient member of the family. Here is a list of the chores my 21 month old does on a regular basis, organized by level of interest.

Loves It

Throwing diapers/trash/tissues away

Getting me a water bottle

Bringing me or Bryan our shoes

Turning on the roomba

Making coffee

Turning on the kitchen lights

Setting the table

Emptying the clean silverware from dishwasher

Checking the mailbox

Complies Easily

Picking up trains, puzzles, Lego people, movies, books, shopping cart, pillows, etc

Put dirty clothes in hamper

Complies Reluctantly

Put clean clothes in drawers

Help collecting laundry baskets for me to do laundry

Carrying things to/from the car

Getting a new diaper

Requires Constant Encouragement 

Picking up Lego blocks

Putting away batman car

Getting his own shoes

Putting away games with lots of pieces

(Note to self: Put this in the year 2 book!)

Brain dump

If I see one more pintrest pin of califlower, ONE MORE DAMN PIN, I will scream. I made cali-tots as a healthy alternative to tater tots (which we don't really eat), and I wanted to vomit. I think I hate califlower. If I could block c-flower from my internet, I would.

There's a brand new firehouse opening tomorrow right next to my house! This is dangerous. All we need is a PF Changs and I have all my favorite restaurants on the same street as our home.

Bryan's on day one of finals week, and his last final is Friday afternoon. I'm trying to be a good wife and refrain from texting him mindless updates. I've also been packing him a giant Monster energy drink in his lunch instead of diet coke which I think forgives me from any "When will you be done today?" texts.

My Mother's Day was lovely. Lazy, delicious and complete with a three hour nap for all of us. Flowers, panera breakfast, hibachi dinner and lots of hugs. I'm also doing family pictures as my annual tradition (started last year) of Mother's Day present. The only time of year we dress up and get an annual portrait...which I will frame and use as a profile picture.

Sooooo, that's probably it. Huzzah.

Life lately

Things have been oddly routine.

The routine of work and weekly schedule is pretty regular. Each morning, we wake between 6:45-7:30 depending on Bradley usually. If he sleeps in, we all sleep in. Bryan's alarm goes off at 6:45 and we snooze or we get up based on whether we hear little noises coming from down the hall.

We eat breakfast as a family each morning, and even though we all eat something different, it is such a great way to start the day. Bradley had milk, Cheerios and fruit. Bryan has coffee and whatever chocolate cereal is on the shelf. I have juice, water, toast and fruit.

I've started a technology regimen where I check all my social media and blogs and email before I get Bradley in the mornings, at naptime and after he goes to bed. It's been great to put my phone on the counter and not play or check anything when I'm with my kid. I'm so much more present (New Years resolution) and there's more to check on my "breaks."

I've continued working out four mornings a week, taking Tuesdays off to do the library program for toddlers. I'm impressed that I've committed to something for four months now. I've been maintaining a 13 pound weight loss and my runs are longer and easier than when I started. Bradley even enjoys the child watch, playing with the train table and coloring. After the gym, we go to the pool and splash around for at least 20 minutes. Bradley has gotten more adventurous. He used to only go up to his ankles, but now he is comfortable up to his chest. I enrolled him in swim lessons in June. I needed to know he was comfortable before I signed up for them!

Bryan is in the last week of classes, and next week is finals week. He is so relieved. It was easily his most difficult semester of his career, three new and different preps at a new university on short notice. I'm so proud of him! And the end is near!! We have a fun summer packed into the month he has in between spring and summer sessions including a trip to Chicago!! Ahh!

I haven't really known what to write lately since things are pretty regular. I should do a day in the life post, sometime. Also a Bradley update since he's changed so much from the last one. 

We're doing our thing and it's a good thing we've got going on.