I think I'm finally ready to say it out loud, to write it for real, to put it on my blog.
My mother in law has cancer.
There. I said it. It's back for the second time, and this time, it's the last time. It's metasticized which means it has spread to her liver, her lungs and her spine. She's on too many drugs to count with more appointments that anyone should have and she's in more pain than I'd like even my enemies to experience. I hate it.
I have a lot more to say about this, and I probably will. But not yet. I'm still trying to sort out my thoughts in my head, and my blog is the next place for my thoughts. It always has been, and I think it always will be. For better or for worse, I'm a writer and I'm a performer. I need to write for things to be real, and I need to share in order for it to be real. Real.
I suppose this is all real even if I don't write about it in a public place, but to me, when I reread this post, I will know that it plagued my mind so much that I had to let it out. It is somewhat freeing to dump my thoughts on this blog.
The subtitle of this blog that I wrote on a lonely day in Philadelphia more than two years ago is: The splatter of my own musings and curiosities in blog form. Splatter couldn't be more accurate.
What's been on my mind lately, in splatter form:
How long will I have to spend with my mother in law? A month? A year? Next Christmas? Two years?
Marriage is a crazy thing: a commitment to a completely different human being who is also so much the same. What's wild is that marriage means something different to each crazy pair willing to promise forever to each other.
I need to get out of Oklahoma. I think I've thought this since the moment we moved here, and I tried liking it, and I'm at the point of tolerance, but I just don't like the people, the culture, the town, the place. I'm an East Coast girl, and I have found that to more true now that any other point in my life.
I hope Bryan gets that job at Furman. Oh, did I tell you Furman is hiring exactly the kind of economist Bryan is? And that Furman is 25 minutes from where Bryan's parents live? I'm trying not to get too excited, but I am. I know that probably 100+ applicants will try for the job, but really, Bryan's the perfect guy for it. If you know someone at Furman in the Economics department, GET IT TOUCH WITH ME!
I saw a lot of friends at Ben & Adrienne's wedding this weekend (which was beautiful and made me cry twice), and it was great to be around old friends. History, shared memories, inside jokes, I mean, I love it. I miss it.
Also, Bryan and I got to enjoy our weekend getaway complete with a performance at a coffeeshop that was both tragic (I can't stop thinking about death) and silly (our escape), sleeping on a twin bed with Bryan, making Mom's secret recipe for spaghetti with her supervision, enjoying Disney movies in the basement, hearing stories about Bryan as a child, shopping with Brooke (at a REAL mall) and cleaning a house that wasn't mine. Definitely the best visit to the upstate we've had since hearing the news almost exactly two months ago.
I'm feeling guilty that we're still spending Thanksgiving with my family this year. I try to justify that it's okay because the Buckleys haven't asked us - and they'll have other family coming down. To be honest, I miss my family, and as much of an insensitive bastard as this makes me, I want a weekend family trip without tears and talks of death.
Things are quite crazy right now for me. I'm swamped with work as the application deadline is next Tuesday, my boss is out of town and I'm handling lots more than I normally do, the improv kids have a show next weekend, and I'm still recovering from the little sleep and the sad thoughts of this past weekend.
But I have a good picture to share. Bryan and I had a romantic evening at our dear friends' wedding enjoying wine, dancing and thinking about the day we decided to join lives in our sweet and crazy marriage..
No comments:
Post a Comment