Things I Don't Want For Christmas, Internet

Happy Cyber Monday, everyone. The day when we all spend hours at work getting paid to buy crappy gifts for friends and family. The internet has suggested all sorts of ideas for gifts to me, and I'd like to publicly renounce my interest in the following gifts.

Bacon Soap

I love bacon, and I love being clean. But please, let's keep these worlds separate. That's like making a macaroni-and-cheese hat.

Sandwich Coasters

The key marketing ploy was the first line of the product description: What goes better with a cocktail than a sandwich? I'll tell you, a tiny napkin. I am not a cheesy burger joint; I am a person who likes real food, not pretend food which might be helpful for keeping condensation drinks from hurting my coffee table.

Pooping Santa

Oh, come on.

Come with Me Kitty Harness

I love LOLcats, but I'm not interested in watching me or a loved one walk a cat on leash. I'm also against child leashes.

Lastly, a Penguin Booty Buddy

For all your friends who love penguins, staying inside and looking like a penguin-y lump of lazy, this is the gift. The only reason I don't want this is because it's a penguin. Had it been an owl, it would be on my list.